THE VAULT

Way of the Bastard
July 24, 2006 by The Colonel

It's Jesus for Toddlers!

Hello, and greetings, Neighbors! Your friendly Colonel has some good news he’d like to share with you- and that good news is the Gospel. That’s right, friends; thanks to Kirk Cameron and The Way of the Master, I’ve suddenly realized that Jesus was inside me all along! I was going to start sharing the good news immediately, but I decided to find out whether or not I was a “GOOD” person first. Let’s take the test– together!

1. “You shall have no other gods before Me.”
I’ll have to take a moment to consider this one. I was a bit of a Madonna devotee back in the eighties, and there was that time I skipped out on Sunday school to smoke Marlboros and throw rocks at the homeless. I guess I’m guilty.

2. “You shall not make yourself any idol.”
Wait, so I’ve believed in the wrong God? Which is the right one? And what about that statue of Santa Claus I used to ask for presents when I was a kid? Dammit! This is not going well at all. Curses, guilty.

3. “You shall not take the name of God in vain.”
How hath I gone so wrong? Damn you late night television, and the trappings of your hip, soul-condemning lingo! Guilty again.

4. “Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy.”
But I write articles of questionable moral standing every other Sunday (for publishing on every single Monday)! How I hath failed thee, Kirk Cameron! Guilt ridden be-ith my filthy soul!

5. “Honor your father and your mother.”
My mother was a gambling roustabout who lived on a Riverboat seducing the high rollers, then stealing their winnings. My father was a scientist who dedicated his life to bringing an end to world hunger, by bringing an end to the world. Mr. Cameron, you may pry my honor for my parents from my cold, dead, hell-bound hands. Guilty.

6. “You shall not murder.”
Oh crap! I hate nearly every one and everything. Who doesn’t hate? I’m really starting to hate this quiz… damn! And I that’s not to mention the midgets I bayoneted back in Algeria. I am not only hate-filled, but also definitely guilty.

7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
I may as well confess to having an unnatural infatuation with Betty White whilst in my teens. I committed plenty of heart-adultery with her over a couple of summers. I believe my guilt is quite obvious.

8. “You shall not steal.”
Does stealing hearts count? I’m probably guilty.

9. “You shall not lie.”
Telling a hobo that you have no money is not lying; it’s saving him from liver damage associated with drinking, or tooth loss associated with crack smoking. If anything, you’re doing some good by not giving in to their panhandling demands. But by Kirk “The Cameron” Cameron’s criteria, I’m guilty.

10. “You shall not covet.”
Julius Serpentine has the nicest suit jacket I have ever seen. It’s black with grey pinstripes, a red, crushed velvet interior, and I want it. I want it more than words can say. I long for it. I ache for it. I’m guilty, and I need that jacket.

I’m never going to heaven! Based on these biblical facts alone, my entire life has been one giant sin. I would have assumed that the lying, or swearing would have done me in, but seriously, I never thought that being into Betty White would send me into the fiery abyss. Surely, the Way of the Master FAQ will reveal some way that Jesus can get me out of this.

Aha! Even The Cameron, as a Christian, sins. According to number eight, “I may take the largest piece of chocolate cake, or let a impure though enter my mind, but I hate it.”

Chocolate cake is a sin? I love cake! This whole Way of the Master thing is getting a little out of hand. Perhaps I jumped into being “saved” a little too quickly. It’s all just a bit much, what with commandments, and gospels, and hating chocolate cake. I, admittedly, get carried away sometimes. I mean, I joined that cult last year, and was a devout Xenuite for 2 years before that.

Perhaps all this searching for the truth has gone a bit too far. After all, when I’m taking anything that Kirk Cameron has to say too seriously, something has gone horribly wrong. When the Rapture comes, I may end up Left Behind, but if chocolate cake is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Tomorrow, I’m starting Slantmouthology and we’ll cater to the stars. I wonder if Steve Buscemi is looking for a religion?

~The Colonel