THE VAULT

Are You There God? It’s Me, Pat.
January 3, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Why have you foresaken me and my large bags of money?

Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has predicted that after September of 2007 the United States should expect a major terrorist attack resulting in “mass killing”. Though Robertson has no links to any intelligence agency, he seemed rather sure of his information, most likely because his source was God.

Using our own highly placed sources, though regrettably not quite as high, Slantmouth was able to have a brief sit down with Robertson to discuss his prediction.

Slantmouth: So, God spoke to you recently?

Pat Robertson: Yes. He checks in from time to time and gives me a little insider information.

S: What do you mean by “insider information”?

PR: Hot stock tips, football scores, and, on occasion, early warnings of massive human suffering. Usually it’s stock tips though. He really knows His stuff.

And you won’t believe who wins the Super Bowl this year. I’ve already put my money down in Vegas. If you slip me a Benjamin Franklin I might let you in on the action.

S: Can we stick to the massive human suffering?

PR: Sure. That’s the stuff that catches most peoples’ eye. Folks get really excited about death. Mention the word and everybody starts paying attention. Cha-Ching!

S: Do all of your predictions come from God?

PR: Yes, of course. I’m just the vessel for His will, you know? He can use me like a toilet as far as I’m concerned.

S: How do you explain the predictions that have not come true? For example, you said God told you a tsunami would hit the United States this past year. What happened there?

PR: What about the heavy rains in the North East? There was flooding and a good number of homeless people died. That counts for at least partial credit.

S: Partial credit?

PR: Well, someone died and that’s basically what I was getting at. I usually don’t count the homeless as people, per se, but I think God will allow me to make an exception in this case.

S: Regardless of what you were getting at, what was God trying to say?

PR: Oh, you know God. He works in mysterious ways.

I have no idea what He was trying to say. Only God knows for sure.

S: God would know what tsunami meant, though, and there was no tsunami. Are you saying God is a liar?

PR: I said no such thing! In my own humble opinion, it was the prayers of the 700 Club that saved America from death and destruction. If Americans want to avert crisis yet again I think it’s in their best interest to join our ranks in the 700 Club. Donate and become a Prayer Warrior!

We can avert this latest, possibly nuclear, threat. God wasn’t too clear on that, but it could definitely be nuclear! Those silly suits won’t save you from anything either. Only the 700 Club will save your immortal soul.

S: Are you shilling your wares in our interview?

PR: I’m just giving the people an opportunity to save themselves and save America. The 700 Club can–Oh God! Oh God!

S: What? What is it? Is God contacting you right now?

PR: No. No. I think I’ve just soiled myself.

It happens sometimes. Once God started speaking to me I also became incontinent. It’s sort of a trade-off. I get to talk to God, but I can’t control my bodily functions. I didn’t want to reveal that fact to the public, but I guess I have no choice now.

S: Uh…we are going to have to get going now. This whole thing stinks.

PR: That’s probably me, but thanks for coming by. Remember, join the 700 Club and donate generously for the safety of America!

Slantmouth would never accuse someone like Pat Robertson of lying about speaking to God, not while our own Colonel can uncannily speak to animals, but it all seems a bit dubious. It is not Robertson’s fault though. He is just getting old.

First he starts hearing voices, then he becomes incontinent, and now, as he increasingly faces his own mortality, he has become obsessed with death. This sad display is just an elderly man having difficulty dealing with a reality that has long passed him by. At a time like this it is best to remember that Robertson does not need our scorn, but our understanding (and possibly a diaper change).

~Julius Serpentine