THE VAULT

Yo Voté.
November 6, 2006 by The Colonel

Throwing it all away.

Tomorrow, an epic battle will rage across the nation, setting the course of the country for the next four years. Scandal has reared its ugly head once again, and our friends the Republicans are looking more red than ever. Sex, corruption, lies, and perversion have indelibly tainted this election year, putting Democrats at a strong advantage to take back control of the House.

While it is damn near impossible to suss out all of the mitigating factors that fall behind how people vote, there are many things going on this election that could change both people’s minds and their votes. The war, the deficit, homosexual pedophile Congressmen- anything could send one screaming from their party of choice, or in the case of NAMBLA, become staunch supporters of the Republican party.

The truth is, voting can be confusing. Does your candidate support abortion? What about the war in Iraq? Is he an incumbent? What is an incumbent? These are just a few questions that may run through your mind as you head to the polls, and while the staff here at Slantmouth could provide you with answers, it’d take far too long, and let’s face it: you’d probably fall asleep halfway through the explanation.

What we will do is provide you, our loyal readers, with a few tips to keep in mind as you head out for the polls tomorrow. It’s a war-zone out there.

1.) Get there early.
Now, we know that you had a hard night of flipping through channels, trying to decide whether to watch an all new episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or cry your way through Ghost for the 30th time, voting is sort of important. Remember, most voters are old, and they generally go to sleep promptly at 6:15pm after dinner and awake at 2:47am for two solid hours of Matlock.

2.) Make sure you’re registered.
There’s nothing worse than showing up to vote, only to be told that you’re not registered. It makes you look a little stupid. People will probably point and laugh at you. Sure, you can usually get an absentee ballot and vote anyways, but as you may already know, no one actually counts absentee ballots.

3.) Know who you’re voting for.
While in most states, whether you decide to vote Republican or Democrat, you’re not really going to be getting much difference in the way things are run, you may want to know who is who. Although most politicians are liars, it’s often good to know just how bad of a liar the guy (or gal, is some circumstances) you’re voting for is. Try to go for the lesser of two evils, but more often than not, they’re going to end up getting caught taking money/drugs/hookers from someone in a couple of years and you can vote them out of office in 2008. Ah, democracy.

4.) Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t vote.
You may have received a letter in the mail, in your native language, telling you that you’re ineligible to vote. You may arrive at the polls to find very respectable-looking people telling you that you can’t vote. Don’t worry; no one is going to break your thumbs, no matter what those men say. Unless you’re a black Floridian, criminally insane, or dead (although that doesn’t always stop people)- odds are, you’re an eligible voter. Congratulations.

5.) Know your voting machine.
In most states, newer, sexier electronic touch-screen voting machines have been implemented. While this may be scary for the 72% of voters who are, for lack of a better term, “old,” the new machines are intended to be easier to use than, say, pulling a lever or punching a hole in a card. Critics’ concerns that viruses or computer glitches could affect the new machines were quickly squelched by reports that the machines would be running Windows Vista Home Premium Beta.

5.) Don’t forget your sticker.
“I Voted. Yo Voté.” It may be the most important sticker you’ll ever receive. With the aforementioned voting machines in place, it may be the only evidence you have to prove that you voted, when widespread voting irregularities rend your hopes for a trouble-free election in twain.

Noble reader, this election day, Slantmouth wants you to wake up early this November 7th and stride out, confident that your vote is valuable. Of course, people run our government, and God knows (better than most) that people aren’t perfect. But if we are to create a government that is better, stronger, and faster than before, we need to get informed and vote for the candidate that wants to change things in even a slightly better direction. Most of all, at the end of election day, Slantmouth wants you to be able to go forward, proudly telling all you encounter: “Yo Voté.

Download your Official Slantmouth Voting Checklist now!

~The Colonel