THE VAULT

Two More Years!
November 13, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Gaze into the eyes...OF THE FUTURE!

The battle has ended and the smoke has finally cleared. Karl Rove, the rotund Republican political architect and perennial Benjamin Franklin look-alike, emphatically stated there was no way the Republicans would lose in this midterm election.

Then “a thumping”, as President Bush called it, occurred. It is not clear what brutal, blunt instrument of destruction was used to execute this thumping. Maybe it was an old stiletto heel or a Ming vase or a prosthetic leg, but Slantmouth is betting that it was the bloody clang of democracy, squarely to the skull.

While the Republicans were busy clasping their aching heads and dabbing their wounds with gauze, the Democrats took control of both houses of Congress. Even in the Republican Party’s rosiest forecasts they knew there was a legitimate chance of losing the House of Representatives, but both? Never. The unthinkable had occurred.

So, now the castrations must begin.

The first to go is Donald Rumsfeld, a chief backer of the current strategy in Iraq. An army of retired generals and politicians calling for Rumsfeld’s resignation were not enough to take down the oldest Secretary of Defense in American history. It took a humiliating defeat to finally bring him down–the midterm election, not the war in Iraq. Now poor Rumsfeld will have to go back to being a corporate executive, making millions utilizing his government connections.

Whose tighty-whitey encased assets will be next on the chopping block? Perhaps Karl Rove. After predicting certain victory, his political strategies accomplished about as much this election season as FEMA during hurricane season. Fortunately, it looks like Rove’s election strategies kill less poor people, though the official body count for this midterm election has yet to be tallied.

The real loser in all of this will be the most powerful man on earth, President George W. Bush. After he spent the last six years repeatedly hitting Democrats in the nose with a rolled up newspaper, they will no doubt want to rub President Bush’s nose in every mess he has created. Now that the Democrats have acquired a taste for blood, courtesy of shock trauma democracy, they will want more, and gonads may be on the menu. The President still hopes to avoid any invasive procedures and has called the election results a “great opportunity”.

With Bush no longer able to easily push his agendas through Congress, how is this a great opportunity?

As Republicans have repeatedly stated, using their incorruptible logic, a vote for the Democrats is a vote for terrorism. With the votes on record it is finally possible to find terrorist sympathizers in our midst. The Democratic Party is too weak-willed to do what is needed and, deep down, hate everything that America stands for. Only an unpatriotic, terrorist cheerleader would choose a Democrat.

With a few months before the new Congress is sworn in, there is still time to weed out all of the bad seeds attempting to bring down this nation from the inside. An armed force of Republicans will be organized to sweep across the country to take out this threat, and not on a hot date. It will be dubbed the “Republican Guard”, for its role in safeguarding the Nation from itself.

If you voted for a Democrat now is your chance to run. This opportunity will not last long, because our government is an agile beast, ready to strike at any moment. But if you feel hot breath on your neck and hear the Star Spangled Banner in your ear it is already too late. The beast is upon you.

Whether you end up in an unmarked grave or spend the rest of your life in a cage, just remember one thing; we will make this nation a better place, together.

~Julius Serpentine