THE VAULT

To Catch a Senator
September 4, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

I'm not gay, but most people in bathrooms are.

Senator Larry Craig, an Idaho Republican, has resigned following a scandal surrounding his attempt to join the infamous “Sea Level Club” at a Minneapolis airport. Using a strange mating ritual involving tapping his foot to attract other male bathroom attendees, Craig hoped to get lucky. By lucky we mean doing dirty deeds in a public bathroom with a man he did not know, the kind of situation Wet-Naps® were invented for.

There has been a lot of misinformation surrounding the case. Fortunately, Slantmouth is here to clear up the details. We were able to exclusively get our hands on a transcript of the airport bathroom’s security camera. We do not know why there is a camera in the bathroom, but when it comes the truth we refrain from asking too many questions.

The sound of a foot tapping is faintly heard. Suddenly a man’s head pops up over one stall as he looks down into the neighboring stall.

Officer: I’m Officer Hanson. Would you like to explain to me what you’re doing?

Senator Craig: Sweet Jesus! Privacy, man! Privacy!

Officer Hanson: It’s not anything you weren’t trying to show me anyway. Am I right?

The sound of pants being zipped up is audible.

Senator Craig: What are you talking about!?!

Officer Hanson: Come on! You touched my leg with your leg. Where do you live where that isn’t a come on?

Senator Craig: I’ve got long legs. I have to spread them.

Officer Hanson: Alright, pal. You’re already in enough trouble without being vulgar. But even your long legs can’t really account for the fact that you were tapping your foot at me like Michael Flatley.

Senator Craig: Look… I’m not gay. OK?

Officer Hanson: That’s not very convincing. Besides, how do you explain your posts on a explicit Internet site for people looking to have anonymous sex in public places. You posted under the name NotSenatorLarryCraig, correct?

Senator Craig: What? No. I mean, obviously whoever posted that is not Senator Larry Craig, which I am.

Officer Hanson: I guess you won’t mind if I read some excerpts from NotSenatorLarryCraig then.

Officer Hanson pulls out a large stack of papers and begins to read.

Officer Hanson: “Hey, Dudes! I had this cool idea for a poll. If someone were actually a United States Senator how would that effect their level of hotness? More hot? Less hot? I think I just messed my shorts?”

Some quiet sobbing starts coming from Senator Craig’s stall.

Officer Hanson: Do you want me to continue?

Craig does not respond as he continues to weep.

Officer Hanson: I’ll take that as a “yes”. In another discussion, NotSenatorLarryCraig said, “Getting with random dudes is awesome. I’ve been with my wife for like forever. I know every old nook and cranny. I need something new, like dudes in airport bathrooms. I’ve been working on my foot tapping. Watching a lot of old Gregory Hines videos.”

Senator Craig: Oh God. Just stop. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve made a big mistake. I mean, a really big mistake. This is my first time. I didn’t think this would happen the first time. It’ll never happen again. I swear. I promise. Please.

Officer Hanson: That’s interesting because NotSenatorLarryCraig said, “Yeah. I’m an old pro. I’ve cleaned up in so many bathrooms I could be a janitor.”

Senator Craig: I have a wife and kids. I’m a United States Senator. There has to be something we can work out.

Officer Hanson: Well, you know, you’re free to go at anytime. Just leave. I’ve got to pull up my pants in the meantime.

Senator Craig hurriedly rushes out of the stall and leaves the bathroom, without flushing or washing his hands.

Officers (Outside of bathroom): PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!

The humming sound of a taser, followed by a loud thump, is heard outside of the bathroom. Officer Hanson walks outside of his stall and walks to the sink to wash his hands. Looking in the mirror at himself he displays a large grin.

Officer Hanson: At least one of us is satisfied.

In an effort to make sure that no one thought he was in anyway gay, Senator Craig pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in a men’s bathroom. The best way to deny something is to actually admit that you did it. Apparently, that makes sense in the same universe where touching someone in the men’s room is not sexually suggestive. It is the hope of Slantmouth that Larry Craig does eventually come clean, but, when he does, he will have to bring his Wet-Naps®.

~Julius Serpentine