THE VAULT

The Ultimate Candidate
February 12, 2007 by The Colonel

O-SAM-A! Err... we mean, O-BAM-A!

Facing an exuberant crowd, Sen. Barack Obama declared that he would, indeed place his metaphorical hat into the metaphorical ring to be a Democratic candidate for President in 2008. His speech was clear and focused, drawing up the memory of Abraham Lincoln, and offering a hopeful outlook for the years to come. He promised to tackle the tough issues, and stated boldly, “People who love their country can change it.” He is what the government may fear most, an intelligent black man who is committed to change. He is the perfect Democratic candidate.

Although many say that it is too early to tell who is going to be in the running come November, Obama’s straight-forward charisma and optimistic spirit have both Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, and Republican opponents worried. And although Clinton is ahead in the polls, Republicans are betting that’s it’s going to come down to Obama, because they’d rather run against a black man than any woman, no matter what.

This fear, rather than crippling Republicans (as it has our nation) inspired them. They scoured their ranks for a suitable candidate, but came up short. Compared to Obama, the likes of McCain or even Giuliani appeared old, and in the case of the former, even a little crazy. No, Republicans need fresh meat.

Thanks to the unprecedented breaches of our personal privacy, the party has been able to scour databases containing every person eligible for office, and their life stories. One man emerged. His name is Thomas Runningfire. He is the epitome of the American dream.

Born a Native American, Tom grew up on a small reservation with his parents. Long before his people began to cash in on the greed of the white man, his folks were simple farmers, living off of the land. Until one day, a rogue plow strapped to a crazed mule brought their simple lives to a tragic end. Thomas Runningfire was taken to child services. He was only 4 years old.

Spiderman approves of this endorsement.

Unfortunately, Thomas bounced from foster home to foster home, until a proud, African American woman by the name of Harriet Jones took him in. Jones treated him as one of her own, and although they lived in the rough projects of East St. Louis, she made sure that Thomas climbed above it.

Thomas struggled in school, being picked on by other kids because of the way he looked, teased because of his desire to learn, and tormented for his love of American history. It wasn’t easy for him, but he managed to get out of the slums and into an Ivy League school to study law.

University provided new distractions for Thomas that he miraculously avoided in the ghetto. Drinking was a primary problem, and although he experimented with marijuana, he never inhaled. He did do mushrooms one time, but it was expressly accidental, as a recipe called for shiitake, and his dorm mate was a huge druggie.

After college, Thomas went on to serve in Vietnam, but shortly after his arrival, he lost both of his legs in a tragic napalm incident. Returning to the U.S. a broken man, Thomas fell into the depths of alcoholism and depression, until he met his soul mate, Linda Pennington, who encouraged him to quit drinking and reconnect with his roots. He went on a spirit quest to find his calling, after which he opened a law firm dedicated to winning back land for his people. When this mission failed, he managed to win them rights to open casinos, thus sticking it to the man. He became very, very wealthy.

The American Eagle approves of this endorsement.

With his wealth, he lobbied to save the bald eagle from extinction, and single-handedly nursed a baby humpback whale to health. Thomas is a passionate conservationist and a staunch Republican.

His later years have consisted of public service, both for his people and for the tiny community of Wright City, Missouri. He lives in a modest home on several acres of land, with his mother, and his wife, Linda. During their marriage, they adopted two children, Bonnie and Chad, and gave birth to two children of their own, Clarissa and Thomas, Jr.

All of his children have grown into upstanding adults. Bonnie, and her life partner, Sonya, are trial lawyers in St. Louis, representing the under-privileged. Chad and his life partner, Rico, live in New York. Chad is a playwright, Rico, is his muse. Thomas’ biological children settled in near the family home, and are raising children with their straight spouses.

This type of inspiring story is exactly what top the Republican brass has been looking for, and man, does Thomas Runningfire-Jones deliver. He may lack experience in government, but his service to this country makes up for it in spades. Although Slantmouth is skeptical of the authenticity of such a candidate, we are throwing our support behind Thomas Runningfire-Jones for President in 2008. This is the Ultimate Candidate.

With your support, he can get into office, and become the first war veteran, Native American, crippled candidate, with two gay, adopted children to be elected president. It’s win/win on this one, folks. If you don’t vote for this candidate, you may as well admit that you hate American and everything that it stands for.

Sure, his policies are a little crazy, and his contempt for the white man still knows no bounds, but he’s promising universal health care and a free puppy to everyone who votes for him. He may be a Republican candidate, but first, he’s an American candidate.

Admittedly, we’re not sure if the Republican Party is going to go through with it, but just in case they don’t, remember the name Thomas Runningfire-Jones in 2008, and write him in. But just in case you don’t remember that, write in The Colonel Moses Blackwell. I hear that guy’s pretty awesome, too.

~The Colonel