The State of the Union = Strong
January 24, 2007 by The Colonel

If we're screwed and you know it, clap your hands!

There are many things one could say about the State of the Union address last night. One, it was long and painfully so. Two, it was so boring that John McCain fell asleep. Three, it was essentially useless. You may be sitting there thinking, “You successfully summed up every State of the Union in the history of the United States!” and you would, in fact, be right. Regardless, it is the duty of this faithful Slantmouthian to bring you the highlights.

Of course, no State of the Union would be complete without clapping and lots of it. Although this year, it seemed that if one side of the aisle was standing in applause, the other side was sitting. If the President said anything about health care or energy reform, you could expect the Democrats to stand and applaud. However at the mention of “the surge” you got Democrats seated, while Republicans hooted and hollered. This gave the effect of the entire nation being on a gargantuan teeter-totter. It was astounding.

Another bunch of note-worthy moments were the shots of Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Clinton seemed poised to strike at any moment, like a mother puma waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting mountain biker. Obama, however, looked mournfully down, carefully concentrating either on the time or a rousing game of Tetris on his cell phone. The other notable observation is that they seated the two most promising Democratic Presidential candidates right by each other. Is this some sort of strange hint that it will be a Clinton/Obama ticket, being that she was sitting behind, and thus visually higher than Obama? Or will we be looking at an Obama/Clinton ticket, because he was in front of, thus leading Clinton? Slantmouth’s Department of Theoretical Conspiracy Development not only assures me I’m nuts, but also assures me that Obama will win with the help of some kind of alien cathode ray. Whatever that is.

Also, our faithful department informed me that the reason that Bush and Cheney took a sip of water at the exact same time last night is simple. Both the President and Vice President have chips implanted in their head that synchronize their drinking habits. Thus, if the President is once again craving the booze, Cheney will get the same irresistible urge and be able to scold or even punch Bush into submission. It’s kind of like the buddy system, only a lot more violent.

Bush ended by praising the heroes of this country. The New York City Subway hero, a wounded soldier who got injured saving a gunner, a pro basketball player from Congo, and the hot business mom. Of course, this was rather standard rigmarole, as it makes a mediocre speech last another ten breathtaking minutes.

Another year, another speech filled with half-truths and hopeful policies. Personally, I’ll be eagerly waiting to see how this year pans out. Let us just hope that 2007 goes better than 2006 did.

~The Colonel