THE VAULT

The State of Delusion
February 6, 2006 by The Colonel

Mine Furher, George W. Bush

Another year, another State of the Union Address and this one, like the ones that came before it, was chock full of hope, promises and fantastical tales of a better year to come. Ah, the ceremony, the standing, the sitting, the gratuitous applause. Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than sitting down with my golden retriever, eating some freshly baked apple pie and watching the State of the Union Address that I recorded on my TiVo. These are the very things that make our Nation great. From Slantmouth to you: May God Bless America!

Before the speech actually got under way, our hippy-lady peace, Cindy Sheehan, was removed from the House chamber, handcuffed, and arrested for wearing this shirt. On the other end of the T-shirt commentary, Beverly Young, wife of 18-term Republican U.S. Rep. Bill Young of Florida, was also escorted from the building for wearing this shirt. Despite the number of times Bush referred the troops during his address, apparently the mere mention of soldiers on a T-shirt is an unforgivable offense. In a Slantmouth exclusive, we learned that a man was also escorted from the building, for wearing a shirt deemed by most to be inappropriate at best. Our theory is that they simply weren’t up to dress code, because even the dog had to wear a tie.

Once that was out of the way, the President entered, shaking hands with nearly everyone within an arm’s reach. Applause roared in the chamber, as Bush arrived with a posse that would make even Diddy proud.

Bush then approached the podium, greeted his guests, and began by remembering Coretta Scott King, wife of civil rights hero Martin Luther King, Jr. Clearly President Bush empathizes and feels deeply for all of those that have struggled for the rights of African Americans in this country.

Despite the seemingly endless supply of standing ovations that the right side of the aisle had in store, Bush actually had a lot to say during this speech. Although, by count of our official Slantmouth Stopwatch (sponsored by Swatch), the applause time outweighed his speaking time three to one. Theories on the Democrats’ luke-warm reception are that the applause sign wasn’t working on their side, they had a monkey working the applause button, or the right side of the aisle just needed a good callisthenic workout.

Moving on, whilst using words that he couldn’t pronounce, such as “rostrum” and “nuclear” he stated, for the fifth year running, that the State of the Union, “is strong- and together, we will continue to make it stronger.” Let’s see, we’re fighting an invisible war on terror, a war with no end in sight in Iraq, our deficit is soaring higher than this guy. But I would never be one to question the President’s integrity.

He then shared his speechwriter’s thoughts on isolationalism, protectionism and a bunch of other made-up “isms” that confused and bewildered most. As it turns out, a large number of countries that used to be our friends now hate us. I would call that becoming more isolated, but he calls it “reaching out.” This is fine with me so long as the French stay mad at us, because much like anyone else, I too hate French people.

Bush proceeded to denounce radicalism and extremism in all its forms. To which, he stated, “Tonight, I propose that from this point forward, we put a stop to the ESPN Extreme Channel, and put an end to all sports of an extreme nature. We must not let their extremism effect our youth any longer. It is for this reason, that we have detained Tony Hawk in our facilities at Guantanamo Bay.” Some may call the President’s efforts to be misguided. I say he’s a brave and noble leader, besides Tony Hawk has totally sold out.

The Commander in Chief showed determination and relentlessness in his pursuit of terrorists, stating, “We remain on the offensive against terror networks.” With this, President Bush unveiled a map, detailing the whereabouts of the elusive Osama bin Laden. He then proceeded to detail a new policy, in an effort to keep the children of the nation safe.

“We must not let the evils of this world threaten our hopeful society. So, in an effort to seek out and destroy terror wherever it hides, we will be conducting nightly searches of every child’s room before bedtime by a full team of armed and highly trained FBI agents. With these new measures, we will finally root out and capture the dreaded Boogieman. He torments me to this very day, and I will not rest until he is brought to justice. He shall no longer mess with Texas, nor its youngins.”

After speaking at length about terror, Bush moved on to the economy, both here and abroad. He said, “In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors like China and India. This creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people’s fears. Which is why I will continue to bring it up, and to make the situation seem a lot worse than it really is.”

In efforts to keep the economy strong, the President had fresh initiatives for this brave new world of ours. “Tonight, I will propose a bill, that will institute the creation of orphan factories, all over the United States. For too long our goods have been produced overseas, by child-run sweatshops. In order to boost our economy, we will begin providing these countries with their orphans, creating an orphan exportation industry of over 4 billion dollars annually. And who says America doesn’t have exports anymore?”

Bush then moved on to Health Care, where he stated, “We must also confront the larger challenge of mandatory spending, or entitlements. This year, the first of about 78 million Baby Boomers turn 60, including two of my Dad’s favorite people — me, and President Bill Clinton.” He continued, “The retirement of the Baby Boom generation will put unprecedented strains on the Federal government. It is for this reason, that starting in 2012, we will begin to launch all those over the age of 60 into the sun.”

With a glorious segway into energy, he proceeded, stating, “Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And you may be wondering, ‘How are we going to power these rockets to send Baby Boomers into the sun?’ To this question, I have an answer. I propose using the very same factory-produced orphans that will boost our exports, as a cleaner, cheaper, more reliable fuel, that will some day be converted into an efficient energy source for our automobiles and homes. We will call it Orphanoleum.

Continuing into science and technology, Bush stated, “Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research – human cloning in all its forms… creating or implanting embryos for experiments… or creating human-animal hybrids… We have been plagued by the horrors of the Manpanzee in the past, and we must not let them threaten our hopeful nation once again. If we let scientists do as they wish, America will turn into the Island of Dr. Moreau, and we’ll all have to live with a bunch of those creepy little rat men.

The President moved on to other domestic issues, recalling, “So far the Federal government has committed 85 billion dollars to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We want to continue to provide those in the Gulf with peace of mind. That is why I am proposing an initiative that will accomplish just that. First, I propose we construct a giant wall around the entire Gulf Region, to prevent the Hurricanes from striking there again. Next, I propose constructing massive stilts, to lift the shattered region 29 feet into the air, and out of the path of dangerous flooding.”

He then concluded, “Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage. And after it is written in courage, it is written in crayon; or sometimes on an Etch-a-Sketch. Like Americans before us, we will show that courage and we will finish well. We will not shake the Etch-a-Sketch of our nation and erase our path to excellence. We will lead freedom’s advance. We will go out there, give it all we have, and shake what our mommas gave us. We will compete and excel in the new, orphan-based global economy. We will renew the defining moral commitments of this land. And so we move forward — optimistic about our country, faithful to its cause, confident of victories to come, and rocking until the breaka-break of dawn.”

“Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless America.”

Interestingly, once he left the podium, Slantmouth was able to obtain this audiotape of the President speaking candidly, off microphone.

The staff here at Slantmouth stand behind our President 100%.
Let us all keep on Rockin’ in the Free World.

~The Colonel