THE VAULT

The Blind Screwing the Blind
December 13, 2006 by The Colonel

This feels so good!

In efforts to make our current government even more likable, this week the Bush Administration asked the federal court to over turn a lower court’s ruling to make money of different sizes for the blind stating, “Can’t they just smell the difference or something? I thought they were supposed to be super-human? You know, like Ben Affleck.”

A random official continued, “It’s not that we hate blind people, it’s just that we don’t like them enough to spend money on resizing our recently redesigned bills.” When asked why this wasn’t considered when redesigning the bills in the first place, the official responded, “We simply figured that the guide dogs handled the cash.”

The American Council of the Blind is incensed about this most recent development. An official representative of the group stated, “It’s jerk-offs like these that try to get my guide dog to ‘play fetch.’ Half the time, they use my walking stick.” The ACB made numerous suggestions, including punching holes in the bills or even embossing, which are solutions that could, theoretically, be applied to the existing dollars.

Slantmouth sees no reason why the Fed and the ACB can’t reach a middle ground, so we propose this: every U.S. citizen should start punching holes themselves. All it requires is the government relaxing its rules on the defacing of national currency! If the government won’t look after blind people, I guess it’s up to the nation to do it for them.

~The Colonel