THE VAULT

Super Tuesday: The Future is Yesterday!
February 7, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Like an Episode of 24 but, you know, boring.

Super Tuesday has come and gone, as Americans take another few steps towards deciding the future of this country. To many Republican voters, that future is a few years away from forgetting its own name and incontinence. John McCain has taken a definitive advantage in the race to represent the Republican party as its Presidential nominee. The only way the other candidates have a chance is for McCain to spontaneously combust from old age. It’s a long shot but it’s better than waiting for a Cialis overdose.

The Democrats, on the other hand, have a real race in front of them. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama are virtually tied after Super Tuesday. The battle for the nomination looks to be shaping into a long protracted battle, which may not end until the Democratic Convention in August. At Slantmouth nothing gets our blood platonically pumping more than a black man and a white woman publicly combating each other. It really showcases the progress that America has made. Do you know how many Middle Eastern countries could claim to have a black man and a woman arguing on a stage for our amusement? Probably none. Count that as a win for American democracy.

With the long road ahead to the eventual election the American people have ample time to sift through the apparent three possible candidates and soundly decide who can handle the difficult job of removing our holocaust-tinted glasses and guiding the nation into a place were nearly everything doesn’t seem like a disaster. Certainly, the Bush administration have made themselves a tough act to follow after over seven years of using the White House in the same way a morbidly obese man uses a toilet: crap is everywhere and it’ll require a lot of scrubbing and hard work just to make the situation tolerable.

Already, the fears for the future have gripped the staff of Slantmouth. Interns sweat profusely as they pour over page after page of campaign news, looking for something slightly interesting to report. Is it possible for any of the candidates to really take charge of the situation? Can the healing finally begin? Perhaps, these questions are all unfounded and it’s only an extension of all of the Fear we’ve been peddled for the last several years. We’ve been infected and the heavy meds just don’t work like they used to. It looks like we’ll have to resort to illicit sex to calm our nerves, like in the old days.

Upon reflection, it doesn’t really matter if our President has a face like a melting grilled cheese sandwich or did a little blow one time or has to sit down to pee. What is important is that none of them are functional retards in pantsuits, a distinction that should help them at least somewhat as a President. Don’t you see? That’s Hope on the horizon, trying to claw its way over the wall of uncertainty and half-truths. Sure, Hope stabbed a few guys in the back to get here and ate a few hearts fresh out of the rib cage, but it was all for the greater good. That’s what it takes to become the leader of the free world or hook up with chicks at a sleazy bar.

“Nice guys finish last.”

That is the main thing we have taken away from following the sick beast that is politics. We have to accept things as they are. So, it’s time to break out the fangs and start beating down some orphans. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it, and there are few organizations that exist that are better prepared for our new harsh reality—which is strikingly similar to our old harsh reality—than Slantmouth. Once we get the legion of interns to stop sobbing, we will be ready to roll into the future.

Hello, future. Give us a kiss, you slut.

~Julius Serpentine