THE VAULT

State of the Union, the Series Finale
January 29, 2008 by The Colonel

I'm outta here! Durrrrrrrrr!

This doesn’t come easily, folks. It’s over. The dream is dead, and it started to die last night at 9pm Eastern Standard Time. That’s right. It pains this mortal man to say it, but George W. Bush’s last State of the Union has been delivered, and the staff here at Slantmouth knows that life from this point out will never be the same. So, like the President, we won’t stand about sniffling with our collective lips quivering, hoping that we can relive the glory days of yore. No. Instead, we will step gallantly (some would even say heroically… or sensuously) forward into the light of a new day, hand-in-hand with the man who has only 356 days of a ridiculously awesome presidency remaining.

Who else could have accomplished so much, yet humbly say, “No. Let us focus not on all the good that I’ve accomplished, let us focus on the future.” We have but one answer for you, dear reader: George W. Bush. As he stood behind the pulpit, delivering his homage to freedom, his vision remained clear: I want stuff to happen. Said stuff would be, not surprisingly, to stay the amazing course that we’ve been on for the last six, breathtaking years. Can you feel the magic?

Tax cuts? Hells, yeah, tax cuts. Permanent ones. And for those of who don’t like it, guess what? You’re getting a fat check in the mail, courtesy of one Uncle Sam Q. America. He knows. You’re welcome. Just make sure to spend it on something that doesn’t contain copious amounts of lead paint. How are we going to keep the economy going if you and your children die from lead poisoning? We can’t. Mission failed. The terrorists win.

War? You’re damn right war. It’s the only honorable thing to do, after all. Look, when you make a mess, the right thing to do is to clean it up. It’s hard work. The President’s only regret is that he’s not going to be in office long enough to stay the course.

We didn’t have the testicular fortitude to question how, but the President, not unlike great orators before him, had a surprise for us. Boom. Balanced budget by 2012. If you ever questioned the greatness of a man who knows a ton about spending money, he’s actually created a plan to get the next president an assload of credit for balancing the budget! Our jaws still haven’t managed to leave the floor.

Mr. Bush also mentions some stuff about poor people, poor kids, and veterans, but we mostly tune those things out. Sure, helping them sounds great, but where does it get us in the long run?

Well, we don’t know about you, dear readers, but we’re stoked for the next 356 days. That is, of course, unless he’s lying about everything, but seriously, what are the odds of that?

~The Colonel