THE VAULT

Spitzer Screws Self
March 11, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Like some sort of perverted elf.

The air is ripe with the stink of another political sex scandal. The Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, was revealed to have had 7 to 8 rendezvouses with high-end prostitutes. Despite the shock displayed by many, it should come as little surprise. In recent years, the annual political sex scandal has become a cherished national tradition, joining baseball, apple pie, and driving Native Americans into alcoholism. Frankly, the nation should be proud that a politician finally figured out how to dial a phone and hire a trained professional, instead of using the Congressional Page system as their personal farm team for sordid games of pitch-and-catch. At the very least, the citizen’s of New York can take solace in knowing that Spitzer’s tax payer paid salary went into good and highly lubricated hands.

Granted, the price of hiring a professional, especially one with all of her teeth, can be prohibitive. Some estimates claim that Spitzer spent up to $80,000 on his various encounters. It’s a hefty sum to be sure, but can you really put a price on quality? Spitzer’s wife and three teenage daughters could not be reached to answer that particular rhetorical question. Were they too busy sobbing into their pillows, desperately attempting to keep the stink of political prostitute sex out of their nostrils? It seems a reasonable possibility. Looking around at various media sources, it becomes obvious how damaging the effects of the scandal fumes can be. The average television pundit is reduced to a jabbering combination of righteous anger and mournful sadness. Their mouths cursing Eliot Spitzer’s vile acts of infidelity, while their eyes say, “Sorry, children. It’s probably your fault. Look what you’ve done to your mother. He had no choice.” The fumes have corrupted them to their pundit cores.

Spitzer spent many years as the state attorney general in New York. He vengefully prosecuted Wall Street executives and even took down a prostitution ring in his time. He was a regular bulldog, tearing criminals to pieces and enjoying every moment of it. Now, on the other side of the equation, things are not shaping up so enjoyably. Many politicians, especially Republicans, are calling for the resignation of the Democratic Governor. It’s only a matter of time before the pressure becomes too great. There will be no turning to high-end ladies of the night to relieve this tension. It will be five dollar tricks from Joanne “The Gums” Martel. Spitzer shouldn’t worry much. There are very few gums as experienced as Joanne’s and the toothless grin at the end is the definition of a happy ending.

Slantmouth wonders what it was that ultimately drove Spitzer to prostitutes. Perhaps, he was able to see something of himself in “Kristen”, one of the professionals he paid. In the painted on smiles and rehearsed affection of the prostitutes Spitzer saw himself staring back, a complete goddamn fraud. He found comfort in his own arms, then proceeded to consensually violate himself. It isn’t a pretty picture, but it’s enough to let us soundly fall asleep at night. Knowing a jerk of a man screwed himself so thoroughly will do that for you.

~Julius Serpentine