THE VAULT

Special Foreign National Friends
August 7, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Oh, he's keyed in on something JUICY!

Congress has passed a bill expanding the Government’s powers to eavesdrop on foreign nationals without the need of a warrant, even if those communications involve United States citizens. It is not that the current administration had not been doing this already, but now it is officially legal. The Slantmouth staff cannot wait until punching politicians directly in the solar plexus is finally legal. All this sneaking around and wearing ski masks has been a real pain.

The Democrats approved the bill after pressure from Republicans and the overwhelming fear of appearing weak on national security finally soaked in. It seems, once again, that fear is the currency of the day. We once thought the currency was cold, hard cash. We were foolish and young, barely knowing what fear was. We also ate a lot of ice cream then. That was because we were five-years-old, but once age six rolled around we knew only fear, even in our ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s “Scary Cherry Cheney” became our favorite flavor. As we were covered in fear then, the Democrats are now, except we hear they still wet their bed.

Congress has approved these new spying powers for six months, after which a more comprehensive and thorough plan will presumably be put in place. Hopefully, that plan will include punching politicians directly in the solar plexus. Have we mentioned that before? Slantmouth is so focused on plowing through into the future that we cannot bother looking two paragraphs back.

Frankly, the Government could learn a few things from us. Not just from our progressive view on discarding events as soon as they have reached the past tense, but also our extensive experience in spying. You see, we have been secretly intercepting all communication of our interns for ages. Why? We would be remiss if terrible acts of stupidity were committed in the name of Slantmouth. By destroying what little privacy they have in their tiny, tiny cubicles, we can instill an atmosphere of paranoia and mistrust in their daily lives, and all for college credit! Is there a better way to prepare them for the real world? Answer: Not bloody likely!

After collecting all of the data on our interns, mostly we found absolutely nothing. Then we cut down that data to only include communication from and to foreign sources, a limit the approved bill apparently has, and we found even more nothing. All was not lost, as we did find some exciting emails detailing one of our intern’s sexy exploits.

“Hi svetlana,

ur pic is HOTTT!!! we shud have teh sex. cool?

James Mason,
Slantmouth Intern”

“Mr. Mason,

We have run a credit check and you do not meet the required minimum credit score to complete this transaction.

While you may not be able to make a purchase from ‘Dmitri’s House of Russian Brides’, you may be pleased to look at the wide selection of our sister service, ‘Nataliya’s Bargain Basement Brides’.

Thank you for your interest.

Dmitri’s House of Russian Brides,
Customer Service.”

This was not terribly helpful in our search to find wrong-doers amongst our interns, but imagine if their were actual ne’er-do-wells hiding in the midst of our loyal minions. How would we find them and the details of their terrible plans? A good start would be to intercept all communication, including human thought.

Since Slantmouth has no one to look over our shoulder it is only prudent that we pry into the lives of everyone. That makes our Net of Evil very wide. The net actually catches evil and is not, in fact, evil. This way, even if we have barely any justification to spy on our interns, whose going to stop us? Here is a hint; nobody!

That is why we are happy that Congress has approved a plan that allows wiretapping with little overview. Overview, as is well known, just gets in the way of getting the job done. Without the shackles of Checks and Balances the real work can be done. We can only hope that their efforts have as many Russian mail-order brides in their future as ours. They are cheaper than you would think.

~Julius Serpentine