THE VAULT

Smuggling For Freedom
April 29, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Unfortunately, this was trying to get them back IN to Mexico.

President Bush delivered the commencement address at Miami Dade College, and spent much of it discussing the life-affirming and inspirational topic of immigration reform. Just thinking about it makes the Slantmouth staff want to go out there and be somebody.

80% of the graduates of Miami Dade are Hispanic, so the President felt it was the perfect issue to discuss with the crowd, especially if they did not want their own parents savagely taken in the night and silently deported back to their country of origin. Bush stressed how important it was that they made their voice heard in the national debate over immigration reform. He probably should have also told them not to feel too bad that his commencement speech was just a continuation of the weekly radio address he gave earlier in the day. Nothing says “this is one of the most important days of your life” like part two of a series.

Slantmouth has tried to do it’s part in the struggle for immigration reform. Instead of purposing theoretical methodologies to curb the number of illegal immigrants in the country, we went ahead and started testing our ideas to see how truly effective they would be in practical application. We were forced to abandon some of our more lofty plans, like sending spaceships of illegals into space to colonize the moon or the sun. Both were nixed due to time constraints. Instead, we stuck with more reasonable goals that could be easily tested and retested, in the way that surgically switching the heads of two twins to see if their behavior remains the same can be tested and retested. (Note: Their behavior remains the same.)

We received many suggestions that involved trying to persuade illegal aliens to leave the country voluntarily, but most of them required burning religious symbols and riding white horses. Unfortunately, after the heartbreaking death of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro we just cannot muster the enthusiasm for any plan that includes horses. Also, they smell terrible.

Instead we tried something a little more innovative.

We thoroughly searched and found as many illegal immigrants as we could close to Slantmouth Headquarters. They seemed to gather at one central location, an establishment called Walmart. At night we grabbed as many of them as we could uncomfortably stuffed into the back of a rental van and headed towards Mexico. We were not really sure if they were all actually Mexican or not, but we forgot our Spanish-to-English dictionary, and did not bother to ask. Most of them were sobbing uncontrollably anyway. Apparently, it is acceptable for men being taken by complete strangers and shoved into the back of a van for no discernible reason to cry in their wholly alien culture, possibly a holdover from their ancient and terrible history.

Once we got to the border, we ran into a little trouble with border security. They pressed us to search the van and we had no choice but to oblige. When they found the large number of illegal immigrants in the back, they really did not know what to do. They seemed baffled. They said they knew what to do if we had been coming into the United States from Mexico, but there was no protocol for what we were doing. We suggested they just give up and go home. They did and we entered Mexico.

Once inside enemy territory of these backwards heathens, we found a nice place in the middle of the desert and released all of our illegals back into the wild. We are not sure what happened to them after that–we forgot to tag them–but we are sure they are doing quite well. Though, they did leave quite a mess in the van. In retrospect, we should have stopped for more bathroom breaks, but now it is too late to get our deposit back.

As far as Slantmouth is concerned it was a successful experiment. We are hoping that this can be included in any future plan that the President and Congress come up with. This sort of strategy allows the average, concerned citizen with the finances to rent a van and some free time to pitch in. With one trip we were able to return twenty-five illegal immigrants to what was possibly their homeland, at no expense to them! At that rate it will only take several million trips back and forth to Mexico to get all of these felonious aliens out of the country. Slantmouth is already planning the next trip to save our great country. We checked and there are at least five Walmarts in a fifteen mile radius. Looks like we struck the brown people lottery and we are going to use the winnings to save this country one van-full at a time.

~Julius Serpentine