THE VAULT

Shutdown of Stankonia
July 10, 2006 by The Colonel

Governor of The Stench

One week ago Saturday, New Jersey’s honorable, yet smelly, government underwent a shut down that would last 7 days and cost the state millions of dollars. The reason for the shut down? One percent. That’s right, Governor Jon S. Corzine managed to bring the New Jersey state government to its knees, like so many Jersey City prostitutes, over raising sales taxes from 6 to 7 percent. Now, Slantmouth brings you a comprehensive account of what happened, and why no one important seemed to care.

The crisis began when, on June 30, lawmakers failed to adopt a new budget by the constitutional deadline. As a result, all “non-essential” government businesses had to be shut down. All over the Garden State courts closed, lottery tickets sales were halted and, most importantly, the State’s casinos in Atlantic City were shut down completely.

Gamble! Gamble! Gamble! Die.

While at our 3rd Annual Corporate Slantmouth Gamblicious Getaway in Atlantic City last weekend, your dedicated Slantmouth Reporters interviewed people on the street to get an indication of how the shutdown affected them. Delores Newston, 83, of Atlantic City had this to say, “This is the first time in 28 years I haven’t been able to gamble. I remember when the casinos opened, so bright and pretty. I wandered in during a family vacation and haven’t left since. My children visit me here. I love my casino- what am I to do, sleep?” But the effects don’t end there.

Last Saturday, Sal Trantoceste couldn’t redeem his lottery ticket due to the shutdown. “This is total crap!” he said, “How am I supposed ta feed ma kids when I can’t gamble? It’s what I do. Well, that and smell terrible.” All across New Jersey, the story was the same- bingo halls closed, dark alley dice games were broken up, and glaze-eyed old ladies were scurried out of casinos everywhere. Most of them wandered into the night, never to be seen again.

The other member of the populace affected was the noble hobo. Chancy, President of the United Hobos Local Union No. 117, gave an exclusive word to Slantmouth on Thursday saying, “There is something you must understand about government: they care not for my people.”

Other than the state’s gambling enterprises state beaches and historic sites also closed their doors. New Jersey’s Historic Museum of Odd Smells and Rancorous Odors was closed, although people who attempted to visit were directed to the Jersey Turnpike, where many of the Museum’s aromas are cultivated.

By Friday, there was a silence that could be felt across the entire state. No one was gambling. No one was able to visit beaches, or crappy museums. No hobos were able to sleep on park benches. No one was able to file frivolous lawsuits against pimps for false advertising. In other words, New Jersey had become just a little less rank.

The Happiest Crappy Place on Earth

People reunited with their families, they played in their yards; it was a regular Garden State Utopia. Everyone, everywhere in New Jersey was just a little bit happier. They may not have known it, they may not of cared; but they were. We felt it. Slantmouth was there.

Then, as though to say, “I hate my citizens!” Gov. Corzine signed a new budget that got everything moving again. Now, the people are back in casinos gambling, back at liquor stores cashing in lotto tickets and back in the parks sleeping on benches and harassing people for change, and taking their family members, who are in for the weekend, to crappy museums, thus boring them to tears.

Should any of us have predicted that the truest, foulest ills of society were actually created by the government that provides us nonessential services? How was one to speculate that by the mere act of opening a park opens us for so much more?

That is why, today, Slantmouth joins the ranks of those citizens who want all nonessential government services shut down forever. We urge congressmen, senators, lobbyist and the like to get off of their asses and shut down parks, wildlife conservatories, and of course, schools, because we are Americans! Uncle Sam, we can take care of ourselves.

~The Colonel