THE VAULT

Set, Wage, HIKE!
January 10, 2007 by The Colonel

More money for everybody!

Today, Democrats lived up to one of their “100-hour” promises by raising minimum wage from $5.15 to $7.25. Many Republicans derided the increase, including Charles E. Grassley (R- Iowa) who said, “Much of the popular support for the minimum wage is based on the fallacy that the government can help the poor without hurting anyone,” and with spittle flying from his lips, continued, “But, if the government can increase wages with no ill effects, why stop at $7.25 an hour? Why not $10 or $20? Why not give these poor bastards bars of gold to build their houses, and $100 bills to wipe themselves?” Mr. Grassley then fell to the ground in tears, and writhed around in something closely resembling a temper tantrum.

The wage hike is the first in 10 years, which intends to gradually make the poor slightly less poor over the next three years. Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Georgia) responded to saying the bill “gets an A in politics and a D-minus in economics.” Because we all know how gifted Republicans have been at economics lately.

Most likely, a version of the bill will clear Senate, but is likely to have provisions offering relieve for small businesses, and of course, a massive pay increase for Senators, because after all, they deserve it.

Democrats will continue to work their special brand of magic over the coming days, with proposals ranging from increased funding to educations to the “One child, one pony” program, seeking to give inner-city youths each one pony. At very least, the wage hike should help pay for hay and lodging.

Although the plan to raise minimum wage is sure to add to the Nation Debt, currently $8,673,367,073,665.76, Slantmouth is sure they’re planning on knocking that out in no time.

~The Colonel