THE VAULT

See Dick Hunt
February 15, 2006 by The Colonel

Satan's Packing Heat

Dateline: Kingsville, Texas. The Private Ranch of Katharine Armstrong. Saturday, February 11th, 2006.

Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old lawyer, was shot and wounded during a quail hunting expedition by none other than Dick Cheney. The official story states that as Cheney, an experienced hunter, turned to shoot at a covey of quail, Whittington approached from behind, unannounced.

Local authorities did not begin to investigate the incident until the following day, and Cheney’s office did not acknowledge the shooting to the public until the story was reported by a local newspaper. Slantmouth has reason to believe that we know why.

Thanks to the Slantmouth Department of Ingenuous Facts and Figures, we have learned that this is not the first shooting incident that Mister Cheney has been involved in.

The first incident occurred on April 14th, 1865. While attending a show at Ford’s Theatre, Cheney had an unfortunate run-in with the current President, Abraham Lincoln. According to eyewitnesses, the confrontation started when Lincoln accidentally stepped on Mr. Cheney’s shoe. He reportedly said, “How doth thou step on me sneaks, scallywag? I shalt engage thee in fisticuffs!

Lincoln reportedly pushed Dick aside, scuffed his dwindling hair and told him to run along. This did not sit well with Mr. Cheney. After brooding throughout the show, the visibly angered Cheney located Lincoln’s booth, pulled his derringer from his sock and fired, a single, fatal shot into Honest Abe’s dome.

Using advanced scapegoating technology seen even today; he donned a mask made out of macaroni and yarn, to disguise himself as John Wilkes Booth. As Cheney slid down the theatre curtain, he yelled, “Sic Semper Tyrannis bitches!” He exited the theatre and escaped on horseback, leaving Booth to take the fall.

The heat was still on and Cheney had to lay low. He managed to stay underground for almost 100 years. In 1963, Cheney was in Texas attending a conference for the FELA (Future Evil Leaders of America). Appearing to be only 22 in Dick years, Cheney was hanging out near the Texas School Book Depository with another young roustabout, Lee Oswald. During a heated game of Risk, it became clear that Cheney was one step away from world domination. Angered, Oswald proceeded to knock over the table and called Cheney “a flaming wanker.”

Angered, Cheney knew he had to do what he does best; shoot somebody. Following the modus operandi of his previous shooting, he proceeded to the sixth floor of the Depository. After delivering a fatal shot to the skull of JFK, Cheney donned a mask fashioned from a cardboard box with holes cut to resemble Lee Harvey Oswald. Screaming, “Lookit me, I’m Lee Harvey Oswald bitches!” Cheney ran down the steps and from the building, leaving Oswald to take the blame. Cheney resumed his place at the conference, no one any the wiser of what had just taken place.

Armed with this shocking information, we knew there had to be more to this most recent shooting. With a little bit of investigative journalism, Slantmouth was able to obtain exclusive quotes from Harry Whittington himself, which paint a much different story.

He recalls, “We had been hunting all day. So Dick and I got into a little bit of a competition. We bet each other to see who could shoot the most quail. So, we set the rules: if one guy bagged a quail, the other guy would have to take a shot of tequila. At the time, I guess I was winning by a pretty wide margin, and Dick was pretty wasted, he could barely stand up.“

“As the afternoon wore on, I made a comment about his mother. Something about when she sits around the house… I guess I rubbed him the wrong way.”

“So he pulls out this ‘special hunting outfit‘ for me. I didn’t really look at it; I just put it on. He said that had I won fair and square, and that I deserved it. The next thing I know, he shoots me in the face.”

Whittington went on, “It just seems childish to me. Granted, I schooled him big time, but I never thought Dick would sink to such depths. It is simply infantile. No wonder they call him Dick.”

As Mr. Whittington laid there, his head, his chest and arm covered in shot and blood, Cheney approached and said to him, “Do you think I enjoy this? Don’t you think this hurts me more than it hurts you? Let that be a lesson to you. Nobody screws Dick. Nobody!”

Mr. Whittington concluded, “I still cannot believe that Dick shot me in the face.”

We have learned that Harry Whittington has suffered a mild heart attack due to one of the bird pellets migrating to his heart. Slantmouth feels for Dick Cheney’s latest victim, and we wish him a speedy recovery.

In the future, we will attempt to alert the public of such dangers before anyone gets hurt.

In the mean time, Slantmouth urges you, please! Don’t screw with Dick.

~The Colonel