THE VAULT

Pentagon Puppets Teach Valuable Life Lessons
April 24, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

One of the most entertaining ways to lie to us all!

The New York Times has reported that over the last several years the Pentagon has been covertly inserting their invisible hand up the rears of several television military analysts and using them as their own personal meaty man-puppets. They were literally supplying Bush administration talking points to major journalistic outlets in the guise of thoughtful expert analysis. Yes, something certainly stinks about the situation, but that may just be former Secretary of Defense and master puppeteer Donald Rumsfeld’s fingers. Meaty man-puppet residue can be hard to remove.

The Pentagon put together a team of analysts, consisting mainly of ex-military officials with existing ties to military contractors, and gave them personal briefings rife with information that would curb the rise of a negative tide against the Iraq war. With public perception up for grabs, their military credentials gave the analysts credibility in public eye and their work for military contractors gave them plenty of incentive to keep to the company line. We here at Slantmouth only have one thing to say to that: nice job!

Really, we could learn a lot from this sort of rampant public manipulation. It’s clear that the Pentagon and the Bush administration have had their problems, but, frankly, we have our own problems to worry about. Gathering news from around the globe is a dangerous endeavor and usually our interns and low-wage employees have to pay the price, often in horrific ways. It’s obviously just the cost of doing business in this perilous world but that is not something the layman or the United States justice system understands. How are we supposed to deal with the obvious negative feedback that this sort of high mortality rate engenders? We’ve looked to the example of the Pentagon and Joseph Stalin’s Russia for the answers. Fire up the brainwashing chairs, it’s time for a high-profile propaganda campaign!

At this time we would like to turn over this article to a graduate of our newly instituted Slantmouth Reeducation Program. Dear readers, give a warm round of silent web-based applause to Intern J23-234, whom we call “Bobo” for short and so we can remember that he’s still human inside when he gives us that spooky vacant look.

Hi, I’m Intern J23-234. I’m an impartial and wholly independent analyst on the affairs of Slantmouth Industries. Recent reports have stated that Slantmouth has been using their workforce in cruel and unusual ways. Many were horrified when news spread that a group of interns were airdropped onto a deserted island, then left to fend for themselves as some sort of sick and highly-entertaining sociological experiment. According to these reports, the result was similar to the popular television series LOST, but with a whole lot less mysterious nonsense and a whole lot more Lord of the Flies-style death of fat kids. Allegedly.

Then, there were other reports that went into extensive detail about Slantmouth deploying a team of interns to Afghanistan to collect a bounty on Al Qaeda members. These reports relied heavily on out of context quotes from a Slantmouth article about deploying a team of interns to Afghanistan to collect a bounty on Al Qaeda members.

Let me assure you that these are just vicious rumors and hearsay. I have seen the facts on the ground. Slantmouth is doing whatever it can to protect its workforce and all members of the Slantmouth family. These partisan attacks ignore reality and are just fanning the fire of negativity, which the mainstream media absolutely feeds on, just as they feast on babies during their pagan rituals.

It’s important to keep in mind that reporting the news does have its risks and sometimes bad things happen, which is pretty much the same problem as walking outside of your door every morning. Will you stop living your life because something bad might happen? Probably not. So, why would anyone expect Slantmouth to stop doing whatever it is that they claim to do? Frankly, it’s un-American, which is the exact opposite of waffles. Waffles are very pro-American. I really love waffles. They are my favorite. You can do pretty much anything with a waffle, and I do mean anything. Let me show you.

Oooooo-kay! It seems that the reeducation program has a few kinks to work out, but it is a step in the right direction. The next step is to re-reeducate Intern J23-234 and eradicate the part of him that still loves things, like waffles or his mother. Being as good at this as the Pentagon is a lot of work, but hopefully, one day, Slantmouth too can be formidable.. Maybe we can catch up while they’re desperately scrubbing the meaty man puppet smell from their hands.

~Julius Serpentine