THE VAULT

Masters of Debate
May 6, 2007 by The Colonel

Those pills are amazing. Check it!

The last couple of weeks here at Slantmouth have been filled with a sort of quiet horror. One would think with the Democrats debating one week, and Republicans the next; we’d be atwitter with excitement over the new possibilities that lie ahead. We’re not. I think malaise would be the word that best describes the mood at the office here lately, and it’s not due to that awful Thai food we had the other day, although the place hasn’t really smelled the same since.

To be honest, neither Julius nor myself actually watched the debates. Instead, we had our pack of faceless interns do the honors. So, for the first time in Slantmouth’s illustrious history, we’re going give them a moment to shine. We’re going to take their word, and rest assured that both of the debates sucked.

From what I can glean from both their reviews and the surveillance tapes of them watching the debates, it was difficult to watch. The Republican debates appeared to be so dull that we’re not even going to talk about them. I’m bored just thinking about them.

The Democrats, however, seemed to be a little punchier than their Republican counterparts. Oddly enough, these punches didn’t come from any of the heavy hitters. Clinton was dull. Obama was mediocre. We get it. The war is unpopular. You disagree with Bush. Super.

Of course, this analysis flies in the face of what most media organizations are saying, but when it comes to a debate, I tend to latch on to the guys that make things interesting. Sometimes, America needs a maverick.

That said, it was surprising that Dennis Kucinich seemed delighted to take up this role. He was bold, straightforward, and even seemed to give a damn about the Constitution. He’s got the makings of a strong presidential candidate. He cares about this country, and apparently, even its people. After all, he is leading the charge towards impeachment, even though I still say we need to give the surge a chance to work.

If it weren’t for the fact that the guy looks like some sort of nerdy elf, I’d definitely be behind him going into 2008. Although once I got behind him, an atomic wedgie would undoubtedly occur.

The only other stand out in either of the debates was Mike Gravel. Sure, he may come off as a crotchety old buzzard, but the man has some ideas! But as much as he says that he doesn’t want to nuke anything, or go to war, I’m not sure he should really be trusted with his finger on the button. Still, instability aside, the guy’s got the sort of all-American moxie that we haven’t seen in a candidate since Truman. Maybe a spitfire rogue, with a devil-may-care attitude is exactly what this country needs to shock us out of our unmitigated fear of everything.

Regardless, Slantmouth isn’t prepared to toss our collective hat into the ring with any of the candidates yet. They’re all looking pretty mediocre at this stage in the game, and unless someone demonstrates some hidden ability to juggle (bowling pins and foreign policy would be a good start) then we’re not biting. Still, we’ll try to keep the mood around here hopeful, after all, we’ve still got well over a year before any of this crap matters.

~The Colonel