THE VAULT

Madam Suicide
May 4, 2008 by The Colonel

Kiss my ass, Popo!

Last week, the infamous DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, was found dead in Tarpon Springs, Florida at her mother’s home. The cause was thought to be suicide. Just two weeks ago, she was found guilty of running a prostitution ring, during which she had kept a “little black book” connecting many of DC’s most powerful to some high class ladies of the night. Despite the quality of the ladies, our own Julius Serpentine was not found on that list, as he has no need for them.

Many questions spring to mind with regard to Ms. Palfrey’s suicide. After all, a woman running a vast prostitution ring that caters to powerful politicians must be a tough lady. It’s tough enough getting your girls paid from some jerk on the street, but when you’re dealing with politicians, it can’t be easy… they lie for a living! People that tough generally don’t cop out when it comes to facing a few years of prison; they take it out on their loved ones for years, causing them to commit suicide. That’s the American way!

What, you may ask, could a convict with a shady past possibly have to live for? Simple. Several very lucrative book deals. Hell, 5 to 6 years in prison seems like a perfectly reasonable amount of time to get that book knocked out, with a couple in the reserves, if only to publish in Penthouse Forum. We can’t think of any reason why a multi-million dollar book deal exposing powerful members of our government as philandering, prostitute-banging deviants would make anyone want to commit suicide. As though anyone needed a book deal to prove that.

Ms. Palfrey’s mother, Blanche, had no sign that her daughter was suicidal, and even better stated that she wasn’t taking drugs or alcohol. And, unlike Paula Abdul, there wasn’t a single death pool on the internet predicting her untimely demise.

Oddly enough, suicide must be in the air. After being arrested on prostitution charges in 2006, Brandy Britton, a former employee of Ms. Palfrey’s escort service, died of what appeared to be a suicide before she could even go to trial.

Now, your loyal staff here at Slantmouth isn’t trying to imply that anyone was responsible for Ms. Palfrey’s death. Things weren’t looking all that good for her. And while she may have had some long term things to look forward to, perhaps prison was simply one of those things she couldn’t face. Like old people, or modern art.

On that note, Slantmouth would like to remind all readers that suicide is never an option. There are much better ways to get rid of your troubles than suicide. We’d cite visiting prostitutes, but we all know how that turns out.

Slantmouth’s New Super-Fun word replacement game!
Guess which of the following words should have replaced “Suicide”!

Was it:

A: Bananas
B: Judge Reinhold
C: Murder

Answer: Next Week!

~The Colonel