THE VAULT

Jimmy “Hit Harder” Carter
May 21, 2007 by The Colonel

Pictured here, contemplating whose ass to stomp.

Ex-Presidents aren’t usually keen on bashing current ones, and vice-versa. As a sign of respect to current presidents, former presidents usually keep the name-calling and midnight drunk-dials to a minimum. In return, current presidents refrain from such things as bombing former presidents’ houses into the ground. The circle of life goes on. Last week, however, Jimmy Carter shattered this unspoken truce, thrusting the balance between the most powerful cabal of men in the world into chaos.

Granted, once Mr. Carter had bashed President Bush in such a cavalier way, he was quick to come out and apologize, knowing that in shooting off his mouth, he may well end up shot in the face. This public show, no matter how heartfelt, is nothing more than a means to placate the public. What really went down last night, though, only those in “the know” are privy to. Being that the staff here at Slantmouth are about as inside Washington as Ross Perot, we did what any respectable news organization does when they want a scoop—we sent spies.

Given a tip from a current intern who used to be a Mark Foley page, we learned that Bush and Carter would in fact fight, bare-knuckled, until one of them either died or tapped out. Better than that, our intern provided a location. With the location of this event hot in our hands, we deployed the Slantmouth Department of Intel and Buggery to the scene, which promptly rigged up sound and video throughout. What we didn’t count on is that all Presidential fights are held in basements, which are nearly pitch black.

So instead of video, we present to you, our dear readers, a transcript of the fight.

(Murmuring fills the air. Dick Cheney smashes a bottle against a wall, which silences the room.)

Cheney: All right, listen up, girls! Standard Executive Branch Death Match, winner takes all. But, because a current president is involved, we’re allowing tap-outs. Don’t think any of you bastards will be this lucky.

George W. Bush: Dick, do I have to do this? He looks wily and mean.

Cheney: Christ’s sake, you sissy, he’s 83.

GW: But Dick, I…

Cheney: Get in there and kick his ass, god dammit!

Jimmy Carter: Here comes the pain, bitchsauce!

GW: Sweet Jesus!

(scuffling, punching sounds)

Carter: Elbow drop! Elbow drop!

GW: Dick! Make it stop!

Carter: Nothing can make it stop, boy, either surrender or die.

GW: You’re a jerk!

Carter: Who’s my biatch?

GW: I am! I am! Get off me!

Carter: Who’s increasingly insignificant now, son?

And that, dear friends, is how those on the top solve their problems: good, old-fashioned violence. Sure, they could’ve stuck to name calling, or even talked it out like men, but then they’d be women, and they wouldn’t be the leaders of the free world. They’d just be a bunch of sissies. This incident has given Jimmy Carter some massive street cred. Who’d have thought a Nobel Peace Prize winner could kick so much ass?

~The Colonel