THE VAULT

Impeachment Watch ‘08: The End is Near
June 13, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Kucinich, pictured here with his hot wife... I forgot what I was typing.

The Congressman voted most likely to bake cookies inside a tree or be cast in a Lord of the Rings movie, Dennis Kucinich, has recently introduced a resolution in Congress to impeach President Bush. The grounds for the resolution primarily revolve around the Iraq war and lying, lots of lying. Frankly, most Americans have trouble even caring at this point. It is election time and, no matter which way you look at it, the current President’s days are coming to an end. The situation is at a point where the best method of getting Bush out of office and the best method of becoming morbidly obese are actually the same: do nothing.

Despite this, it is hard not to respect the tenacity exhibited by Kucinich. The resolution has no chance of going anywhere. Democrats will not support impeachment, as it is “divisive,” and Republicans would rather pass out “Young Republican” tee-shirts to aborted fetuses than get behind the idea, yet he presses onward. It seems Kucinich is running on a treadmill named Reality. No matter how hard he tries he will be going absolutely nowhere, but he will get an excellent workout in the process. This got us thinking.

You see, our extensive efforts to bring you, our wonderful readers, the most excellent bits of news requires hunching over a keyboard and staring at a blank screen for hours—up to sixteen in a single day—and hoping for something interesting or newsworthy to happen. Often nothing happens, but on occasion something worth sharing with the world comes out of the process. Little is guaranteed in the dangerous world of pseudo-journalism, except that the interns inevitably start looking a lot like John Goodman’s left breast, i.e. fat and hairy.

Kucinich has inspired us. If he can devote himself to running on that treadmill for a cause, then we to can devote ourselves to something greater. So with that said, we would like to proudly announce the birth of the first annual Slantmouth Run Against Death! This will serve as an opportunity to raise awareness and money to fight the serious problem of death, while providing our interns an opportunity to stop disgusting us with their mere corporeal presence and assortment of odors.

Most charitable races aim low, usually settling for a single cause of death, for example testicular or face cancer. This fails to deal with the root problem: the very concept of death. If we could get rid of death itself how different would the world be? We have no idea. We really haven’t thought that far ahead, but with enough research, persistence, and ascension into godhood we may one day have this problem licked for good.

The Run Against Death will mainly consist of a .05k race. It is not a long race, but, with much of the lower-rung Slantmouth staff brutally out of shape, it is best to start small and not push things too far, at least until there is a cure or vaccine for death. Once death is no longer a factor, the gloves will really come off. We may even make the race twenty times longer, bringing the total length of the race to 1k. We can practically smell the quad muscles burning already, though that may an intern overcooking a “Pigoatang” (Orange Tang stuffed inside of a goat stuffed inside of a pig) in the break room.

If you would like to participate in the Run Against Death you can do so from the comfort of your own home. Just sprint from the couch to your refrigerator. You will have successfully gone the same distance as the actual .05k race. As a reward, have a fist full of whatever leftover horrors you can find in your fridge. Enjoy, as you imagine the day you finally receive a suppository that successfully cures death. You can thank Dennis Kucinich, the man who made us all believe it could happen, when all signs pointed to never.

~Julius Serpentine