THE VAULT

Immigration Nation
May 1, 2006 by The Colonel

Stickin' it to the Man

Today. May 1st, Twenty Aught Six, marks the day that millions upon millions of immigrant workers across the nation will be taking off work to protest in the streets as a show of unity and to prove that immigrants, are indeed, vital to this country’s economy. According to CNN, “Meatpacking plants will shut down. Markets won’t open. Trucks won’t roll. Students will walk out of school. Millions of people will take to America’s streets in possibly unprecedented numbers.” We here at Slantmouth have to agree as even we are feeling the effects because every one of our various departments and divisions, are indeed, run by immigrants.

Who wants to Pillage?

In efforts to bring you complete coverage of this story, we start, as most things do, at the beginning. The story of immigrants to America started around the year 1000, when Eric the Red’s son, Leif, tried to establish a colony, in a land he called Vinland. We now call this land Maine. The colony was an initial success, but at that time, there weren’t enough jobs to sustain such a settlement. The Vikings, known for their talents in lawn care, fled back to the rich, green fields of Scandinavia, where employment was abundant. This was the last we would see of Vikings in the United States, until 1961.

You take their land, I'll kill their families.

The next attempt to colonize this vast land was mounted in 1492 when some guy decided it a good idea to sail the ocean blue. Driven by a strange desire to prove that the Earth was round, Christopher Columbus came to this great country, bringing with him a grab bag of infectious diseases! And, instead of lending a helping hand like most immigrants do, he and his men proceeded to rape and pillage the indigenous peoples here. With enslaved “Indians” in tow, Columbus (not to be confused with Columbo) returned to Spain, but made sure to leave some of his men behind to finish the carnage that he had started.

What doth lie beneath thine Pantaloons?

Our next notable immigrants are, of course, the Pilgrims. These crazy Quakers came to the Promised Land with one thing in mind- escaping religious persecution. Although these claims may be dubious at best, this is the truth, as we know it. Renowned for their keen fashion sense, Pilgrim men were actually notorious womanizers. With such pick up lines as, “Me thinks you hide a bosom beneath that frock, mightest I take a gander?” and, “Hello fine maiden, you have some mighty fine ankles, excuse me whilst I remove my pantaloons.” women were unable to resist such advances. This, in fact, was the reason they left. To “find a new breed of woman.” So, rounding up every lass with clean teeth and a strong constitution, they left to the New World. Upon landing, they had their first Box Social, which we now call “Thanksgiving.” See? Immigrants can make a difference.

I'll bite your face.

Although as important as first generation immigrants, second generation immigrants are oft overlooked. Among these second generation immigrants, was our first President, George “The Tower of Power” Washington. Many of the facts of this great man’s life have been obscured by time, for instance: he was almost six foot three, with a shock of red hair, enjoyed growing hemp, and had teeth made of elk teeth, hippopotamus teeth, and human teeth (not wood, contrary to popular belief.) Truth, it turns out, is always stranger than fiction. He was the finest horseman of his day, and led the newly founded United States to victory in the Revolutionary War.

It'sa Mee, An Immigrant!

Let’s face it; we have immigrants to thank for many things: The Industrial Revolution, our Nation’s Railroads, affordable dry-cleaning, the advent of the pizza pie, and of course- JLo. And when it comes down to it, we, as a nation, are all the sons and daughters of immigrants. Slantmouth realizes that most of us have forgotten our roots, why I’m sure even our fair President may have an immigrant or two that he’s descended from, albeit a long, long time ago. In other words, we are all immigrants.

It is for this very reason that Slantmouth not only endorses the current immigrants’ rights to protest and take off work, but we propose that everyone stop what they’re doing, right now, and walk, run, drive (via car, bus and/or train) to your nearest city, and spend the day amongst some of our finest citizens. Make up a placard or two, and don’t be afraid to shout something that you don’t understand in Spanish- they’ll get the drift.

Let today be forever known as:
Slantmouth’s Abandon Work Under the Clever Ruse of Supporting Immigration Day!”

We need your support, and trust that we’ll get it. As always, may God Bless America.

~The Colonel