THE VAULT

I’m Just A Bill
December 6, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Don't look too excited, jerk!

Even with Congress in a lame duck session, the outgoing Republican majority feels it is their duty to push as many bills as possible, regardless of how unfavorable the outcome. This Congress will not cut and run. Their single-minded determination has gotten them this far and changing course now would only validate their critics, which among others, include the American people.

One bill being pushed is the “fetal pain” bill, which limits fetal pain during late-term abortions by having the woman accept or reject fetal anesthesia. This is not to be confused with the lesser-known “fecal pain” bill, which allows the use of medicinal marijuana for chronic constipation sufferers. The “fetal pain” bill has no chance of passing but supporters believe it will provide educational and symbolic value. The symbol, in this case, would be a screaming fetus.

Another bill being considered would open 8.3-million acres of land on the eastern Gulf of Mexico for gas and oil drilling. It has been delayed because it does not have the votes necessary to pass. Since there is not enough time to amend the bill it will likely be attached to a more popular tax bill, which has higher self-esteem and is smooth with the ladies. The hope is that the drilling bill will try to mimic the habits of the tax bill before realizing that true beauty is on the inside.

The lame duck session has not been a complete failure. Congress did pass a bill that will spend $38 million to preserve the internment camps where Japanese-Americans were sent during World War II. The camps are being preserved to remind the United States how it turned on some of its citizens during a time of fear and not, as speculated, to prepare a location for Arab and Muslim-Americans in case of another terrorist attack. A second bill, still in the works, will propose preserving Iraq to remind the United States how it turned on a foreign country’s citizens during a time of fear. The unfinished bill being floated around Congress is informally called the “rectal pain” bill, a nod to how the Iraqi people have been violated during the last several years.

Slantmouth wishes the outgoing Congressmen and women the best as they slink away, some into involuntary retirement and most into a lifetime of self-loathing. Whatever the case, remember to stay the course.

~Julius Serpentine