THE VAULT

Hillary Clinton’s Never Ending Story
May 24, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Hillary Clinton: the face of crazy determination.

The unrelenting force of nature that is the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign presses forward. The shear momentum of the lumbering beast is too much to stop now. Despite the chorus of voices calling for her to concede, she marches on, like a lemming with fat ankles at the edge of a cliff. The important lesson that Hillary Clinton wants the public to take away from all of this is, when you really want something, never give up. For example, typically, if a candidate’s campaign was tens of millions of dollars in debt, it would be time to reconsider the whole operation, but if you are Hillary Clinton you inexplicably see an opportunity.

Slantmouth has discovered that, in order to cover the growing debt of her presidential bid, Hillary Clinton will be putting out a children’s book that teaches the simple lesson to never give up in the face of obstacles, including the derision of your peers, cancer, common sense, alien invasion, math, self respect, and genital herpes. We have obtained an early draft of the book and present it to you, our lovely readers.

“Hillary, Space Warrior Princess”
(Illustrations provided by Salvador Dali)

Another obstacle: she had no nose or mouth as a child.

Once upon a time there was a young space princess named Hillary. She was beautiful and nice and, in general, super great! From a young age she dreamed of wealth and power. She was a space princess and it was practically her birthright, but there were many obstacles in the way, including being a woman. Before, the only thing that women had power over in space was local knitting clubs and small kittens.

Ambitious and sleazy men make you feel alone as your ass gets fat.

Even though this made her sad, she decided that she would not quit. She would work harder to prepare for a future where she would be rich and powerful. She read, wrote, and did a lot of talking. She thought those were the most important things to do to become wealthy and powerful. Unfortunately, her secret weakness for equally ambitious and sleazy men derailed her rise to power and would lead her down a road to appear as sexless as possible later in life.

Space Jesus Saves everyone... except for himself, I guess.

After years of careful planning and becoming rich, her plans to have power were tested, when the ambitious and sleazy man she had married was elected the President of the Universe. She was left to do less important things, like rolling Easter eggs on lawns to commemorate the resurrection of Space Jesus and reading to sick children with space typhoid. This was all fine and good, but she wanted to be more powerful. She wanted to be the President of the Universe and to have a monopoly over local knitting clubs. Also, have the power to wage war on kittens, freeing women from their obligations to take care of them.

The waiting game or, as illustrated, the CRAZY waiting game.

Her love for sleazy men almost stopped both dreams from happening, but when her husband finally left office, Hillary, space princess and overall terrific space person, started planning. She was elected to a position of power on a particularly influential planet. Then, she waited, keeping in mind her ultimate goal of being very powerful. She never let go of her dream. So, when the position of President of the Universe became available a few years later, she jumped at the chance.

Her eyes were bigger than her stomach and wider than her hips.

Her path to the presidency was not easy. Despite her extensive credentials of sleeping with the a former President of the Universe, other people decided to run against her, claiming to actually be better than her for the job. They ganged up on her and attacked from all sides in order to make her give in and leave the race, but she had a dream and she would follow it to its logical and bitter conclusion. When it became mathematically unlikely for Hillary to win the presidency she did not relent and instead prayed to Space Jesus for assassinations and space strokes to befall her opponents.

Everyone wins when the Statue of Liberty grows a pair.

She prayed really hard and, like most things that she put a lot of hard work into and didn’t quit on, it turned out exactly as she wanted. All the terrible things she prayed for actually happened. There was a big party when everyone found out that Hillary would be the next President of the Universe. As she addressed the large crowd of cheering people, a single tear rolled down her cheek as she happily announced the start of the War on Kittens. At that moment she realized what could happen if a person never gave up; many kittens would die.

It is undeniable that it is a very uplifting story for young children. They can take many valuable lessons away from this, including don’t ever give up and, if things get really rough, pray harder. It is difficult to figure out how the apparent vendetta against kittens ties in to all of this, but the Slantmouth Book Club thinks it is a metaphor for… something. They narrowed the choices down to a) female sexuality, b) misogyny, and c) her husband’s genitals. We are still working on coming to a consensus, but one thing is for sure, we will never give up… on killing her husband’s genitals?

~Julius Serpentine