THE VAULT

Greenspan: For Her Pleasure
September 17, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Invisible Marionette!

Alan Greenspan’s memoir, The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World, hits bookstores this week and the Slantmouth staff could not be more excited. It’s not that we plan to actually read the book, it’s just nice to see a senior citizen continuing to make a contribution to society. Even at 81, Greenspan penned 500+ pages of exhilarating words, organized into sentences, combined to form paragraphs, and split into chapters. That’s pretty much all we could figure from staring at the cover of the book for fifteen minutes, before deciding to instead savagely pummel our subordinates in a another game of “pin the tail on the intern”. The Colonel alone is 3000 – 0 against the interns. We invented the game last week.

Greenspan, from what we’ve heard by not actually reading the book, heavily criticizes President Bush in his tome. He believes Bush has put politics ahead of economics, making decisions without considering the long-term impact. We hardly think the notion that Bush lacks foresight is new. Political pundits with far bigger mouths than Greenspan have slowly been coming to a similar conclusion. Why should we trust him? Is he not old and a possible candidate for the early bird special at Old Country Buffet?

While, yes, Greenspan is an octogenarian, he is still smart as a whip. In fact, he is considered by many to be as smart as a cat o’ nine tails, making him nine times as intelligent as the average smart person. This may also mean he’s a little kinky. That’s unconfirmed, but if anyone knows where we can confirm this in his book we would love to know (page and paragraph numbers, please). We love to skim to all the sexy parts of memoirs if at all possible. Trying to do this with the Bill Clinton memoir proved more difficult than expected. We thought it would be filled with sexy bits. It was not.

In any case, Greenspan is extremely influential and his years of service across party lines gives him a vantage point to criticize President Bush with an effectiveness few can match. Even fewer could effectively criticize Bush from the vantage point of their bathtub, where Greenspan wrote eighty percent of his book. Yes, his naughty bits were exposed as he wrote about Bush, among other things. But he did not stop there. He said something that few reputable people have had the testicular fortitude to say: “the Iraq war is largely about oil”. Greenspan has had testicular fortitude to spare since the bronze age, that and math books. His first edition of Euclid’s Elements has gotten a real workout over the years.

Surely, saying the Iraq war is about oil will cause the old Washington, DC stalwart to come under attack. If there is one thing that this administration has excelled at, in lieu of actually executing successful policies, it has been to make people look bad in public, vigorously attacking them even if the evidence is against them. In most cases the evidence against them is common sense, a mighty foe for the short bus crowd. An unexpectedly tough enemy for a Presidential administration, who would no doubt prefer the opposition of something simpler, like a kitten. Probably because they drown easier. At least twice as easy as the truth.

The sad thing is that most of what will make the news from Alan Greenspan’s memoir are completely obvious, yet they will be treated as amazing insight. In a time when reporting the obvious is considered going out on a limb, these things really are news. Left secondary will be the rich life that Greenspan has lived in the company of Presidents. Of course, all of this will be lost on us at Slantmouth, as we will not be reading the memoir. We’ll be too busy having adventure in a new world, where interns are actually red-headed step-children, and we are introducing them to an age of turbulence. The Colonel plays a very convincing drunken step-dad.

~Julius Serpentine