THE VAULT

Gifts From Gov
August 29, 2007 by The Colonel

He sits... barely remembering he resigned.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of forgetfulness which only an Alzheimer patient could match, Attorney General Roberto Gonzales announced his resignation on Monday. The staff here at Slantmouth couldn’t be happier. The rumors began on Friday, which led most of us toward a weekend of nervous excitement, waiting for Monday like children wait for Christmas. Then, it happened; Gonzales announced a press conference, game on.

10:30 Am. Press conference. Washington, DC. Gonzales steps down with so much class, referring to the hard-knock life of his grandfather, and how fortunate he’s been; classic resignation fodder. He thanks his wife and family for their undying support as he writhed like a grasshopper under a magnifying glass. While he doesn’t give a good reason for resignation, we think we have a good idea.

When you put it together, it’s quite obvious, and for us, quite flattering. Our fan base is diverse, but having the United States government shape its policies, and moreover, its announcements around our article schedule, is humbling to say the least! We had no idea you guys were fans. A simple letter saying, “You guys rock it hardcore,” signed “Satan Cheney” would’ve been enough, but actually doing things not only to make us happy, but abiding by our schedule to keep us rich with delicious content? You’ve really outdone yourselves.

Since the government seems so willing to meet our every ridiculous want and whim, we’ve got some big ideas. Think of them not as demands, but more as helpful, friendly suggestions. We’ve been brainstorming for days, Uncle Government, we hope you’re impressed.

We’re sure you haven’t noticed, Uncle Government, but there’s a problem facing this country: Hobos. Not so much that there are hobos, but more that hobos need to be fed. Nothing makes an angel cry harder than the sight of a skinny hobo. We know you’re a little strapped for cash, Uncle Government, but worry not, we’re problems solvers. It’s simple; you simply feed the hobos to the hobos. Two birds, meet one stone. Problems solved.

Let us move on to Foreign Policies. It seems like you really don’t like non-Americans, Uncle Government, so why not do what we did to bullies in school? Ignore them. We know you’ve settled into a bit of the bully mentality lately, but really take a deep breath and pull everyone back home. It’ll be totally awesome, we promise.

Finally, we’re going to have to fall back on a favorite. Some may call them a luxury, but we call them bona fide necessity. We refer, of course, to the monkey butler. It may seem economically foolish to equip every family in the United States with their very own adorable monkey of personal servitude, but trust us, it is not. Think of all the time and energy Americans will save! The kids will have proper meals, as monkey butlers will stay at home, cleaning and cooking nutritious meals. Childhood obesity will plummet, the kids will do better in school and the future of America will be saved. Who says monkeys never did anything for us?

Uncle Government, it felt like you never listened. It was as though we were worlds apart, and no matter how loud we screamed, you met our desperate pleas with a confused look and some boring speech about fiscal responsibility while you snorted coke with a hundred dollar bill off of the breasts of an Atlantic City hooker. Those were rough times. Slantmouth is glad you’re listening again, and we are proud to lead you on this quest into the future, so long as everyone gets to wear space helmets.

~The Colonel