THE VAULT

Gettysburg Redress
June 11, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

An American Original and denouncer of Southern Pantsing.

An amazing document has been discovered, and we are not talking about the manual for The Colonel’s heavily-modified Roomba vacuum cleaning death-machine and assault vehicle we found between the couch cushions. The important document in question is a handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln to General George Meade after Gettysburg. In it Lincoln urged for the “substantial destruction” of Robert E. Lee’s fleeing army to end the war. Unfortunately, Meade allowed Lee’s army to escape back into Confederate territory and the Civil War continued for two more bloody years, but the important thing is that we now have this original, two-sentence note!

The document had been kept in the National Archives undetected for nearly seventy years, until archivist Trevor Plante discovered it while doing research for a Gettysburg documentary. Many other important documents are thought to be hidden away among the many collections of the National Archives. One of the most interesting collections is the Presidential Napkin Collection, an assortment of napkins written on by past Presidents.

This vast array of napkins have everything from random doodles to erotic poetry. At least one napkin can be dated back to just days after Lee’s army was confirmed to have made it back to Confederate soil. On this very important napkin, Lincoln outlined his deepest thoughts on the already two-year-old conflict. Using our rather extensive clout at the National Archives, we were able to get our hands on this syrup-stained napkin and, for the first time, present the world with its text.

As I often am when I eat at the International House of Johnnycakes, I’m in a contemplative mood. I suspect it’s sweet, sugary goodness of the syrup these johnnycakes are drenched with that gets my mind moving. Now, as the war continues, my thoughts have turned to secession. If, to my deep regret, the South successfully secedes, now may be an appropriate time to come up with a contingency plan. At least a contingency plan that doesn’t involve me shooting General Meade for being a complete failure. He deserves it, though. That man is absolute pants.

A doodle of a unicorn eating Robert E. Lee's face.

[A doodle of a unicorn eating Robert E. Lee’s face.]

Once the Southern states break off, we must in some way separate ourselves from them. A simple invisible line will not be enough. It would be a disaster if Southerners could easily enter into the Union. The possible influx of Confederates looking for a better life would threaten to take away jobs from our own citizens. This simply is not acceptable.

What makes this so problematic is their unwillingness to give up their backwards Southern culture and integrate into a real civilization. It may not be in their blood or mental capacity to do so. They cling to their strange rituals like banjo playing and line dancing because they are familiar with them. They fail to see the wisdom in assimilating completely into our way of life.

The best way to separate ourselves from the cultural threat of the South is a physical barrier of some kind. Perhaps a fence or wall would work.

Or maybe a mote filled with alligators. And fire. In which case we’ll need fireproof alligators.

I fear that the cost of building such a fence may be too prohibitive. Labor alone would cost a small fortunate. If we had the moral flexibility of the South when it came to labor techniques this wouldn’t be an issue, but we have higher ideals to conform to. There is only one option in this case: we must import Southerners from the Confederacy to build the wall at cheap rates. Once the job is complete we’ll send them back. It may be hard to return them after the fence is built, so catapults may be requisitioned for the task.

Doodle of Robert E. Lee being flung into a fiery mote full of fireproof alligators.

[A doodle of Robert E. Lee being flung into a fiery mote full of fireproof alligators.]

Even with this plan I am concerned with some of the workers escaping deep into the Union. It would be difficult to find them and they may start infecting our citizens with their vices and character flaws. The main fear would be an increased spread of laziness, which Southerners consistently are. Their laziness only sheds when they are engaging in criminal activity, leaving the citizens of this Union to be the victims of such unscrupulous behaviour as grand theft carriage and Southern-style pantsing.

The best way to contain this behavior is to contain the Southern workers themselves while they’re in this country. We can keep them in small, confined areas where they can be as Southern as they like and not affect the rest of the population, though flying Confederate flags inside the borders of the United States will not be tolerated. Additionally, the workers will be easier to keep an eye on, so attempts to escape and leach off of Union social services will be more difficult for them. We don’t have any particularly good social services yet, but I’m sure we’ll eventually get to it. And when we do, no illegal Southerners will be getting the benefit of our excellent Union health care system, which is right around the corner.

Doodle of Robert E. Lee dying of syphilis.

[A doodle of Robert E. Lee dying of syphilis.]

It is clear to me that once the borders are drawn, whomever is south of the border should remain south of the border, and if anyone doesn’t like it they can eat my Abe-cakes. They’re delicious!

Needless to say, it was a very large napkin. There was more but it was mostly covered in syrup and Lincoln saliva, making it completely unreadable. However, from what the Slantmouth staff could make out there was plenty to learn from the late President. The display of intense scrutiny in a difficult situation would make an excellent guide for any modern politician. His desire to actually get something accomplished from time-to-time might also be something they should look into, if they are not too busy stretching for the next round of political posturing. They can start by outlawing the abomination of Southern-style pantsing. It is embarrassing and painful. Or at least that’s what we have heard.

~Julius Serpentine