THE VAULT

Get Well, Ted Kennedy
May 30, 2008 by Staff

Word spread quickly at Slantmouth Headquarters, located in the nation’s capital, ground-zero of the American political machine: Ted Kennedy had the big C. It turned out to be a brain tumor and the prognosis was not good. This made us reconsider our in-depth and well-researched exposé on why Ted Kennedy’s head is so big. After feeling bad about the very idea of doing the story for a bit, we decided to do something constructive. As a show of support for the Senator, we set the children/mental defectives in the employment of Slantmouth Industries to come up with some heartfelt cards, expressing the kind of feeling only an innocent child or a forty-year-old with a bib could express.

We set them loose in a room with construction paper and crayons to see what they could come up with. The results were heartfelt, like a kung fu master ripping his bare hands through a man’s chest and giving his heart a sensual massage.

Click the cover of each card to discover the heartstrings being strum below the surface.

After seeing all of the thoughts that have been boiling under the surface of the children/mental defectives, frankly, we are all a little concerned for our own well-being. What is important is that no matter how the ideas manifested themselves, they were genuine. It is our hope that this outpouring helps the spirits of Senator Kennedy, despite how much it terrifies the rest of us. We may have to up their dosage—the children’s dosage, we mean.

~Staff