George Allen Poe
October 30, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

This guy... hehehe. I hate this guy.

With majorities in the Congress and Senate on the line, many of the pivotal races for the November 7th elections are, like road kill under a summer sun, heating up. The closely contested senate battle in Virginia between incumbent Republican George Allen and Democrat James Webb has taken a strange turn with the publication of a press release, titled “Webb’s Weird World”.

The press release, put out by George Allen’s campaign, contained sexually explicit passages from several of Webb’s novels. The Drudge Report, a prime source of fedora fashion and political scoops, printed the excerpts after Allen’s aides failed to get them run anywhere else. This, of course, is not indicative of the quality of this story.

Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran and later a war journalist, had written a number of best-selling novels about the military and hot wartime action. He incorporated many of his own experiences and observations in his fictional work. One passage from A Sense of Honor was quoted in Allen’s press release: “You wouldn’t have believed it, Swede. She just dropped her britches and lifted up her skirt and pissed like a man. Didn’t lose a drop, either. Not a drop.”

The press release remarked that the passages, including Webb’s observations of a woman standing to urinate without the aid of a clever apparatus or actually being a fairly convincing transvestite, were “very disturbing for a candidate hoping to represent families of Virginians.”

In response, writer John Grisham, in Charlottesville fundraising for Webb with Steven King, said, “This is a clear sign of a desperate campaign if they plow through novels trying to find evidence of character…if [George Allen] read more maybe he would understand the difference between fiction and nonfiction.” Mr. Grisham, clearly a novice, does not understand that in politics, fiction and nonfiction are the same thing.

With all of this talk of authors and sexually explicit writing, many voters may not be aware of the fictional writing of George Allen. Senator Allen, the son of Hall-of-Fame football coach George Allen Sr., spent much of his formative years enamored with football. He even went on to play at the collegiate level for the University of Virginia. Before gaining serious political aspirations, Allen tried his hand at being an author, crafting a treasure trove of wholesome football stories.

His first short story “The Final Drive” saw limited publication in a University of Virginia literature magazine. Much of Allen’s early work focused on the tension and passion at the climax of a game.

“Time was running out and he knew this was his last shot to come from behind. Beads of sweat ran down his face, as adrenaline pumped through his veins. He took a deep breath and focused on putting it in the end zone.“

As Allen’s writing developed, he moved away from just final drives and began to write about the progression of entire games, in what would later become his signature family-friendly style. Much of the writing from this middle period was often loosely based on famous NFL games. The most well know of Allen’s work from this period was a self-published effort entitled “The Running Back”, based on Super Bowl XIII.

“He saw the hole and hit it hard. As he attempted to hammer it home for the score, a pair of clutching hands grabbed a hold of him. He wriggled for a moment, but the force was too great and he collapsed into a sweaty pile.”

After having little luck getting his work published, Allen wrote one last piece before putting away the typewriter for good. It chronicled the final games of an aging kicker whose leg strength had been failing him. The piece was appropriately called “The Kicker”.

“He starred at the space between the slender uprights that reached towards the sky. He desperately wanted to relive his glory days and nail it. The Kicker felt the pressure mounting and his body grew tense. This was the moment where men were made, but he wasn’t what he used to be. Self-doubt crept in. Would he be able to get it up for the win?”

As you can see from Allen’s writing, and contrary to what John Grisham might think, you can easily discern the character of a person based on their fictional work. George Allen is a wholesome individual and is more than qualified to represent families of Virginians. Hopefully, James Webb will learn a few things and maybe write a family-friendly football novel. Slantmouth is sure that Senator Allen will be more than happy to give him a congratulatory pat on the butt.

~Julius Serpentine