THE VAULT

Free to Rove
August 15, 2007 by The Colonel

Eyes off my soul, you creepy bastard!

Today we part ways with a very special friend. Hell, if this guy hadn’t been around, the idea of a Bush presidency may have never been possible. He was the one who got Bush through some of the toughest times, took a lot of heat for him, and some say would’ve died for him. That’s right. Today, we bid adieu to Bush’s brain.

While Karl Rove may have been “the Architect” to the President, he was “Bush’s brain” to critics. To the rest of us, he was that creepy douche bag who danced awkwardly to some white guy rapping. It was horrifying.

Still, Rove is one of the most important political figures to emerge from the bogs of Washington in many, many years. And by important, we mostly mean boring. Sure, one would think the story of a guy who’s been pulling the strings in Washington for the past seven years would not only be important, but also interesting. As it turns out, he’s not. He’s really just kind of an ass.

As proof that Karl Rove is a total ass, his most common nickname was “Turd Blossom.” The man, one of Bush’s oldest, dearest friends earns the coveted title Turd Blossom. This guy was Bush’s bosom buddy way back in college, for Christ’s sake, and still, he gets Turd Blossom. There would be no President Bush if it weren’t for Karl Rove, still, Turd Blossom! How could he not be an ass?

Further evidence of Turd Blossom’s jackassery is plentiful. For instance, he was the one who revealed Valerie Plame as a CIA operative, putting both her and her entire family in danger. He was a staunch supporter of Richard Nixon from the age of nine. People who supported Nixon have strictly two things in common: first, they’re completely insane, second, they’re complete asses. 1 + 1 = Karl Rove is an ass.

There’s also the fact that he thinks he is the reincarnation of Jesus himself and will bring about the apocalypse in a steel cage death match with the Antichrist that will be hosted live on Pay-Per-View by none other than Michael Buffer (the “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Guy). Just kidding, Rove’s an atheist. What an ass.

This epic era of his douchiness will likely be scooted away into the dusty, unkempt corners of the halls of history, but we here at Slantmouth will always remember. With fists shaking and grimaces on our collective faces, we bid you adieu, Mr. Rove. May you be the most fragrant Turd Blossom where ever the wind carries you.

~The Colonel