THE VAULT

Filibuster, I Love You, Baby. Shut Up.
July 16, 2007 by The Colonel

Why him, Fili? Why?

Oooo, do you smell that? I do. I can smell it so bad I can taste it. Taste it so bad that I’m practically choking on it. I know it’s been a while baby, but the moment is here again, the time has come, for you, Filibuster. Oh, God, you’re so sexy. Dig it.

I know a lot of people don’t like you, Fili, but I tend to see you different. You get people all hot and bothered, making them stay up all night, and debate hard. And long. Sure, we all know Harry Reid is going to be keeping you up tonight (I know you like the sound of that, baby) but I’m not so sure he’s got what it takes to satisfy.

You’ve seen his kind before, Fili. Coming up with his fancy toys, I don’t even know what a “cloture” is, but I know it’s not good for you, baby. You’re the kind of debate that can last forever, and I just love watching you go.

Hell, Fili, I’ve seen you with real men before. Men like Strom Thurmond, who got so hot for you he was dehydrated before you started. And that lasted 24 hours and 18 minutes. Damn, baby. Sure, he was trying to prevent the Civil Rights act from being passed, but I didn’t think that sort of endurance was scientifically possible. You amaze me, you bitch, I love you, please don’t hurt me.

Harry Reid’s rocking you for something righteous, so I’m cool with this. He’s going to be trying to bring our troops home and end this crazy war, and I know how you are, Fili. You’re no fighter. You’re a lover. All night long.

Now I don’t know how this session tonight is going to go but rest assured, darling, your devoted Colonel Moses Blackwell is waiting for you to come on home. It’s ok, I know you’ll be tired once again, from doing the most patriotic of duties, making all that noise so things get done in Washington, if only because everybody’s sick of hearing it.

And although I don’t like you having to go out to spend time occupying the minds of all those men; it’s The Colonel you come home to every night. It’s The Colonel you make those special Belgian waffles for. It’s The Colonel who shares your hopes and dreams for passing those crazy-assed resolutions and bills, not so much because you care, but mostly because you’re tired, and your feet hurt.

If that’s what it what does it for you Fili, I’m going to be there for you every step of the way, but please, when you come home from Capitol Hill, do me a favor. Shut up, baby, I don’t want to hear it.

~The Colonel