Fight For Your Right… To Party?
October 30, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Let's try something a little more festive next time, like protest pinatas.

Protesting is a ancient art. Even in the time of the Egyptian Pharaohs people protested. They were, of course, unceremoniously beaten to death and fed to cats, but civil action was alive and well, even if the protesters weren’t. As time has gone on, methods have evolved, changing with the demands of society. Now, more than ever, it is difficult to get anyone’s attention. Our lives have a running sound track, courtesy of our consumerist yearnings, and there is no escape. So, like an attention hungry step-child that you never wanted and could care less about if he/she died in a tragic household blender accident, protesting has had to kick it up a notches to get us to acknowledge its existence.

The results of this were on display during a demonstration in San Francisco, where protesters staged a “die-in.” Thousands of men and women simultaneously fell to the pavement, feigning death. The goal was to represent the many dead Iraqis and American soldiers in Iraq. Did the point get across? If the objective was to make passersby think that the protesters were lazy/dirty hippies that couldn’t even bother getting home to take a nap, then yes, mission accomplished. In the long run, this “creative” approach will likely yield the same results as conventional protests; pretty much nothing.

Organizers would like to change that. Developing new tactics, civilians are hoping to be heard and see real change. Slantmouth has taken the time to look into some of the latest in protest innovation spurred by the Iraq war, so that you, our readers, don’t have to.

Washington, D.C.
Protesters in front of the White House, simultaneously pulled out dollar bills and wiped their rears with them, symbolizing the money wasted during the Iraq war. Not since the days of 60’s Free Love had D.C. seen so much public nudity, nor had a wide range of rectal diseases spread so quickly. Protesters, hoping to get their message heard, were later written off, due to the subsequent increase in sickness among the homeless. Many suspect the distribution of contaminated money to panhandlers as the prime culprit. Protesters contend that their generosity had nothing to do with the outbreak of “itchy crack,” as it’s known on the streets. Needless to say, the whole ordeal went over as well as a Klan Grand Wizard at the Source Awards.

Los Angeles, California
Signs have always been a part of protesting, however a group in LA took it to another level. Some of them displayed a large cardboard cutout of the United States using the state of Florida to violate a cutout of Iraq. It was a fairly graphic puppet show that left many onlookers horrified. Even fellow protesters were disheartened by the crass delivery of their message. Protester Jake Evans said, “I understand the anger, but, I mean, come on! Iraq barely looks bigger than Florida! It was like John Holmes on a midget!”

Second Life, The Internet
In an effort to integrate technology and being a dork into protesting, individuals organized themselves on the virtual world of Second Life. Organizers hoped that since most people are much too lazy and apathetic to actually protest in Real Life ®, being able to participate from the comfort of their home would attract a wide range of people from around the country and even the world. Unfortunately, it turns out that people are too lazy and apathetic too even protest online. The turnout for the event was ten people, nine of whom were organizers. The tenth was one of the organizer’s Second Life sex slaves.

Why such a low turnout? Apparently, the protest’s schedule conflicted with a Second Life avatar orgy. No matter where one my lurk on the Internet, sex always wins, even if that means a bunch of misshapen polygons awkwardly bumping into each other. The avatar sextivities rendered the protest completely ineffectual and eventually devolved into an avatar breakdance contest. A naked breakdance contest.

Over the years protesting has become more and more ineffective. Slantmouth hopes that someone is able to take the art of protesting to another level, so that the voices of citizens can once again be heard. The people of this country want to be heard and their willing to do what it takes, as long as it doesn’t happen at the same time as Grey’s Anatomy.

~Julius Serpentine