THE VAULT

Last week, history was made as Illinois Senator Barack Obama was declared the first black nominee for President of the United States of America. Slantmouth wishes to congratulate Mr. Obama in his monumental victory. As he celebrated, we managed to get a few statements, and it was clear he was amped up and ready to get his change on.

I AM HAPPY TO ACCEPT THE NOMINATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES!

FINE. I’M TAKING MY BALL AND GOING HOME! TO NEW YORK WHERE I’M NOT FROM.

AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I PLAN TO MAKE THESE STATES ONCE AGAIN, UNITED! AND OBAMAWESOME!

ARE YOU PEOPLE LISTENING? DO YOU CARE THAT I’M DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE? I’M VERY IMPORTANT! I’VE DONE THINGS! LISTEN TO ME!

I’LL BRING HEALTHCARE TO THOSE WHO CAN’T AFFORD IT. I’LL GET US OUT OF IRAQ. I’LL MAKE IT RAIN CANDY KISSES AND FLOOD NOTHING BUT GUMMI WORMS! DON’T LIKE GUMMI WORMS? THEY’LL BE GUMMI BEARS!

IS THIS BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN? WELL, I PLEDGE TO BECOME A MAN IF YOU WILL ALL VOTE FOR ME!

WAIT, OK… YOU JUST… WHAT!?

THAT’S RIGHT! IF YOU WILL VOTE FOR ME I WILL END THE WAR IN IRAQ, IMPLEMENT UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, AND GROW A BEARD! FOR AMERICA!

I ALREADY SAID THAT, PLUS, I’M ALREADY A MAN! AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ONLY THE ENEMY GROWS BEARDS! DID I ALREADY MENTION THE GUMMI BEARS?

I WILL HAVE MALE GENITALIA ATTACHED TO ME! I WILL HAVE A SECOND ONE ATTACHED TO BE AT LEAST TWICE AS MANLY AS ANY LEADER IN THE WORLD. JUST MAKE ME THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE!

I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER MUTILATE MYSELF, NOR THE UNITED STATES FOR THE SAKE OF PERSONAL GAIN! NOR THE CONSTITUTION!

SEE! OBAMA IS NOT WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO LEAD THE COUNTRY IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME! I AM! THE GLASS JARS ARE ALREADY ON THE WAY!

THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF CHANGE AMERICA NEEDS! THE PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY DECIDED! REASON OVER TERROR! TACT OVER TASTELESSNESS! NATURAL BALLS OVER THE STAPLED-ON KIND! THAT GOES FOR YOU, TOO, MCCAIN!

LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS! AND STAY OFF MY LAWN YOU LITTLE TERRORS! YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOUR PARENTS? I WILL DO IT!

STOP! THIS IS MY SPOTLIGHT!

TYPICAL, MCCAIN! BELITTLE THE POWER OF THE YOUTH OF THIS NATION!

(Clinton adviser, Sandy Berger)

YOU LOSING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING A WOMAN!

SERIOUSLY? SEND BACK THE JARS!

SEE? SHE KNEW HOW TO GIVE UP ALL ALONG!

FINE! YOU WIN! I GIVE UP! I DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT ANYWAY! I WANTED TO BE VICE PRESIDENT! IT’S MY TRUE CALLING! HOLD ME, BARACK!

SORRY, HIL… I CAN’T. THERE’S A COUNTRY TO RUN. INTO THE LIGHT OF OBAMAWESOMENESS. IT’S GOING TO BE BARACKULOUS!

(He then dawns a cape and runs into the night.)

WAIT! I NEED SOMETHING! ANYTHING! DON’T LEAVE ME! I FEEL SO ALONE!

I’M STILL HERE SWEETHEART!

As usual, that took some pretty unexpected and gruesome turns. While the country may be ready for a black president, we’re pretty certain we’re no where near being ready for a hermaphrodite one.

~Staff