THE VAULT

Everyone is Yelling! (Clinton vs. Obama III)
April 20, 2008 by The Colonel

It’s been busy. Bittergate, elitism, crazy questions about conspiracy; we don’t even know where to begin. Regardless, since last week’s travesty of a Democratic Debate, the candidates were just itching to get the issues back on the table and as always, Slantmouth was there. We bring you the third (and for the love of God, make it the final) round of Clinton vs. Obama.

This one’s going to get ugly.

SO! WHY DON’T YOU WEAR AN AMERICAN FLAG?

AMERICA IS BROKEN. AND BITTER. AND ANGRY. WHEN AMERICA IS FIXED WITH THE HOPEBAMA, FREE FLAG PINS FOR EVERYONE!

YOU ARE SUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE ELITIST! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SMALL TOWN AMERICA! MY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE ALLOWED ME TO PURCHASE SMALL TOWNS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND THEM BETTER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, BESIDES NOTHING, I MEAN?

I AM IN TOUCH WITH THE WORKING CLASS! MY WIFE AND I SHOVELED SNOW FOR 15 YEARS OR SOMETHING! I HELD A BABY, AND THAT BABY SMILED. THAT BABY’S NAME WAS DREAM!

THE ONLY BABY IS YOU, ALL COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MEDIA! BABY BARACK!

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE I’VE SEEN CRYING IN THIS CAMPAIGN! WE NEED TO TALK REAL ISSUES! HEALTH CARE! OLD FOLKS! BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN!

OLD FOLKS? WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN? HE’S HELPING ME BASH YOU BACK INTO PLACE. BY THAT I MEAN LAST PLACE! YOU BABY! YOU WANT A BOTTLE OF PURE CLINTON SMACK DOWN?

YOU’RE OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE WORKING MAN. AS A 25 TERM SENATOR I UNDERSTAND THE WORKING CLASS LIKE THE BACK OF MY VEINY, AGE MARKED HANDS!

HOW IS HE GOING TO MAKE A CHANGE? HE CAN’T EVEN CHANGE HIS OWN DIAPERS!

I’M A VETERAN AND THE FUTURE PRESIDENT OF AMERICA. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO CHANGE MY DIAPER! I CAN GET SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR ME!

WHO’S THE ELITIST NOW, OLD MAN? MY DREAM FOR THIS COUNTRY IS MAGIC, YOUR DREAM IS TRAGIC! ALSO, OLD.

WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING TO ME?

YOU ARE IRRELEVANT TO ME, LIKE MOST PHYSICAL ACTIVITY!

BUT I CARE SO MUCH I MAY WEEP!

YOU ARE NOT TOUGH ENOUGH TO BE PRESIDENT, HILL! YOU CRY AND YOU CAN’T TEAR A PHONE BOOK IN HALF WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! I CAN’T EITHER BECAUSE I AM SKINNY AND FRAIL, BUT AT LEAST I DON’T CRY.

MCCAIN SMASH! (destroys a coffee table)

HIS RAGE WILL DESTROY US ALL! ALSO, IT SMELLS LIKE A USED DIAPER IN HERE!

THAT IS THE SMELL OF TYRANNY AND CORRUPTION!

YOU ARE SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH WORKING CLASS AMERICA! ANY WORKING MAN WOULD KNOW THAT THAT IS THE SMELL OF AN ACTUAL USED DIAPER!

I…

RAAAAAARRRR!

…YOU FINISHED?

…RAAA.

I REMEMBER A WOMAN, IN PODUNK, LOUISIANA, WHOSE DIAPERS WEREN’T COVERED BY MEDICARE. I CHANGED HER DIAPER.

COULD YOU HELP ME, TOO?

I’M READY TO GET DIRTY FOR AMERICA!

YOU’LL GET NO ARGUMENT HERE! YOUR DIRTY POLITICS ARE DESTRUCTIVE FOR AMERICA! AND FREEDOM! AND DEMOCRACY! AND HOPE!

IT’S WORSE THAN I COULD’VE IMAGINED! IT’S EVERYWHERE!

MA-MA!

We still can’t get the smell out of the curtains.

View Parts One and Two of this groin-grabbingly exciting match!

~The Colonel