THE VAULT

Congress: Discretion Advised
October 2, 2006 by The Colonel

Rep. Foley, seen here pointing at the cute boys.

This week, yet another scandal surfaced from the ever-moral Congress, involving not only sex, but also an unusually high level of irony. In what media pundits are calling, “Pedo-Gate,” Rep. Mark Foley (R) of Florida abruptly resigned Friday amid accusations of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to underage boys. In a transcript provided by ABC News, the instant messages go from Foley asking the boy, “how my favorite young stud doing (sic),” to describing various methods of masturbation and stating, “well I have aa totally stiff wood now (sic and sick).” Internet bloggers have quickly labeled this exchange, “GayZ0r.”

Having read the transcript, this Slantmouth reporter is not sure whether to be more horrified about the blatant, gay advances by a member of Congress, or the Congressman’s complete lack of concern for the basic rules of spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

Congress finally agrees on something. Foley's sick.

Fact always being stranger than fiction, Foley was not only a Co-Chair for the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children but he authored important sections of the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006, effectively and ironically making his actions illegal. In response to the news, John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted (after whose son the Act is named) stated Friday, “If I see that repulsive bastard in public, he’s getting a killer suplex.” In 2003, Foley pressed Gov. Jeb Bush (R) to shut down a nudist camp for teenagers. At the time, most assumed that he wanted it shut down because the concept of a nudist camp for teens is blatantly immoral, but now it was most likely because he wasn’t invited to attend.

The emails involved another boy who was also a former congressional page. In a series of emails, he asked the teen, “how old are you now?” and “what do you want for your birthday coming up.” The congressman also asked the teen for “pics”. The former page quickly forwarded the emails to a fellow staffer. Although there were no overt, sexual comments in these emails, the teen was “freaked out,” writing the emails were “sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick…”

Shocked, and maybe a little stoned.

President Bush responded swiftly stating that he was “just as shocked as everyone else.” The president added, “I understand a man has desires, and it’s ok to express those desires… just not with men. Or little boys. Or animals… unless drunk at a frat party and only on a quadruple dog dare.” He then turned beet-red, shuddered, and with tears forming in his eyes, awkwardly wandered back into the White House.

Friends describe Foley as “warm” and “giving” with a great sense of humor. He is known as a fantastic impressionist, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bill Clinton. Friend Sid Dinerstein states, with regard to Foley’s Clinton impression “…good enough to be on the air! He’d do the whole thing, the, ‘I did not have sex with that woman’… it was great!” Tragically, he never said, “I did not have sex with that hot, young boy.” Amazingly, the congressman was quoted in the St. Petersburg Times as saying, “it’s more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction.” Then the irony fairy’s head exploded.

Foley- Keeping his Eyes on the Prize

According to a CNN headline, there is going to be a “Probe sought in lurid scandal.” This is their headline writer’s funny way of saying that the Justice Department will be investigating Foley, the emails, and the instant messages, although agents are clearly not looking forward to it. Soliciting sex from a minor online is a Federal crime and sentences range from 3 to 7 years. In perhaps the most amazing coincidence of all, this may explain why the congressman wrote the laws that he may have broken to begin with.

Slantmouth whole-heartedly wishes Mr. Mark Foley a pleasant time with not only his impending prison term, but also his overly eager cellmate for many painful years to come.

~The Colonel