THE VAULT

A Boy Named Alberto
April 22, 2007 by The Colonel

Dude! Janet Reno's balls were at least this big!

First off, we just want to mention that there’s a giant, tap-dancing elephant in the room. But the staff here at Slantmouth feels that addressing this particular elephant would be rather unnecessary, and rather counter-productive. The media has been all over it, even though attention is the one thing that this sort of very disturbed elephant doesn’t need. So, as said elephant makes a furious racket, we’re going to tell you a little story about a boy named Alberto.

A long time ago, in a sunny little town called Humble, Texas, a boy named Alberto was born. Alberto was a good boy who did very well at school, and dreamed that one day he might be a lawyer, just like the brave men in the movies.

After many, many years of hard work, Alberto finally went to college to get his law degree. His mother and father were very proud of him, and soon he earned his Juris Doctor degree, which would make him very popular with the ladies, for you see, ladies, much like lawyers, love money.

This love of money drove Alberto to become a private practice attorney for twelve years, before becoming the general council to a very rich and powerful man named George. George and Alberto became fast friends, because Alberto kept George out of all sorts of legal pickles. This is when Alberto began to get into trouble. He oversaw clemency requests for George, and managed to over-turn only one request during his entire term, thus executing more prisoners than any other council!

Soon, George became the President of the United States. Alberto was very proud of George. Even when George left Texas, Alberto was loyal to his friend. When bad men called Terrorists attacked our country, Alberto made sure that other men couldn’t do this again, by drafting Executive Order 13233, that placed limits on our citizens’ abilities to access information about the former presidents. Alberto probably wasn’t sure what this had to do with preventing terrorism, but it made George happy, so he helped.

Continuing his good work for George, Alberto authored the Presidential Order that made captured terrorist suspects tried by military tribunals, rather than a court of law. Just to show George that they were still friends, he also backed the Patriot Act, which has single-handedly stripped our citizens of their right to privacy. Hey, if you’ve got something to hide, you’re probably a terrorist!

For all of his good work for the country, Alberto was finally made U.S. Attorney General, appointed by his good friend, George. Soon after, he almost got nominated for Chief Justice, but Samuel Alito got it instead. Maybe Alberto should’ve spent more time at George’s ranch.

Of course, Alberto had to prove to George that they were still friends, so Alberto made sure to support and help with even more of George’s ideas. Ideas like the elimination of Habeas Corpus (right to a fair trial), listening to all of our calls, and finally, the thing that Alberto got in trouble for, firing a whole bunch of attorneys.

So, Alberto, who has progressed to the highest spot ever held by a man of Hispanic heritage, sat before the Senate Judiciary Committee and denied any involvement in the firing of eight U.S. States Attorneys, all of which had received positive reviews. Instead of telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, had a bought of fuzzy memory, stating “I don’t recall” or something like it, 45 times before lunch.

Now, unlike most stories, this one doesn’t have a happy ending, because it doesn’t have an ending yet. But don’t worry kids, we’re sure Alberto is going to have a happy “forever after” real soon because if they’re one committee you don’t lie to, it’s the Senate Judiciary Committee.

~The Colonel