Valentine’s Day 2007: A Tender Retrospective
February 17, 2007 by Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey

Many holidays have sentimental attachment for millions and millions of people across the world. Valentine’s Day is not one of these days, as it leaves a nation divided. In the United States, every year men are goaded into buying over $12 billion on useless trinkets, stuffed toys, glimmering doo-dads, and oh yeah, chocolate. The truth is, no man likes Valentine’s Day, and that’s right, I’m including the more feminine of our gender.

What could have concocted such a diabolical holiday filled with morbid displays of still-beating hearts and freaky bears that sing Elvis tunes whilst they waggle their teddy bear hips? One could easily blame the devil, as Valentine’s Day urges us to partake in most, if not all, of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Lust? Check. Why else would a guy drop $6000 on a piece of jewelry if he weren’t a pimp, a mobster, or a successful rapper? Or Kevin Federline.

Gluttony? Check. Let’s dole out the chocolates and go to a fancy dinner!

Greed? Check. Girls love expensive things, and they’re going to get greedy about it. If you don’t fork over something more and more expensive every year, count on encountering the next sin.

Wrath? Check. Single on Valentine’s Day? Welcome to wrath, my fellow primate.

Envy? Check. Single on Valentine’s Day? Welcome to Envy, my simian sibling.

And Pride? Check. Have you ever seen a woman with a diamond ring? Check and mate.

Although I have absolutely no way of substantiating this, I’m also going to assume that this Day of the Devil is the highest in both suicide attempts and rage and/or lust-based murders. Jurors, the prosecution rests.

Valentine’s Day: Making life hell since roughly 1847.

~Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey