THE VAULT

Thursday, July 24, 2008
The WNBA: Fundamentally Boring
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

I love women, unless they play professional basketball. I’ve never paid much attention to women’s professional basketball. I guess I’d rather watch children cross a busy highway. At least with the children, there’s hope someone will eventually stop them. Who’s going to stop the WNBA? Probably no one, because while people actually care about children, no one cares about the WNBA.

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Friday, July 18, 2008
Bore me, Al Gore
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

Thursday, Al Gore gave yet another speech about the planet or something. Look, I wasn’t really paying attention, but it’s probably the same old rigmarole. “Blah, blah, icecaps,” and “Yadda, yadda, carbon.” Yeah, Al, we know. Stuff’s all screwed up and you want us to fix it. It used to be that you’d tell everyone it was their personal responsibility, and when you did, some of us listened. We bought carbon offset points and looked like douches when we drove our hybrids, but what’s this? OH, it’s not in the hands of ordinary citizens anymore, eh? It’s the corporations and politicians who need to make the tough decisions, right?

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Earth: At Least it’s a Dry Heat
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

A new study this week has prompted a prominent figure in the scientific community to once again emerge and raise the question of global warming with the world. The study, conducted by your own Finnius Fapperton, has shown that the weather is, indeed, totally effed up. The method performed in the study consisted largely of walking outside.

Seriously, does it take a team of rocket meteorologists to figure this out? The past week has had more highs and lows than a heroine addict. It’s like the climate jumped onto a gargantuan trampoline and is taking us all for a ride. Problem is, we’ve got a bunch of punk-assed kids telling us that nothing is wrong!

Screw you, kids! Here we are, trying to ruin your future with all of the SUVs money can buy, and you go and support that? You won’t even remember what polar bears are, you ingrates! You know, what? Forget the environment. We all hope you burn.

Saturday, February 17, 2007
Valentine’s Day 2007: A Tender Retrospective
by Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey

Many holidays have sentimental attachment for millions and millions of people across the world. Valentine’s Day is not one of these days, as it leaves a nation divided. In the United States, every year men are goaded into buying over $12 billion on useless trinkets, stuffed toys, glimmering doo-dads, and oh yeah, chocolate. The truth is, no man likes Valentine’s Day, and that’s right, I’m including the more feminine of our gender.

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Friday, February 9, 2007
CelebriMonkey: So Long, Sweetie
by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Reflecting.Hello, Gossip-bots. I’d like to have returned under better circumstances, but sometimes tragedy is the only thing that can break the spell white sand beaches and a Mai Tai have over me.

Anna Nicole Smith, the tabloid mainstay, passed away yesterday of undetermined causes. She was to gossip columns what groupies are to rock stars. She was always prepared to give us more of herself than we were really comfortable with, and afterwards we’d tell her to get the hell away because we had to take a phone call from our wife and kids.

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Saturday, January 27, 2007
Sports Monkey: Commercial Suicide
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

I hate commercials.Next week the Indianapolis Colts will face off against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, and I couldn’t be more disappointed.

It’s not the match up that’s disappointing but what’s going to transpire during the television timeouts. You know what I’m talking about: Super Bowl commercials. The same mind-numbing, soul-destroying garbage flashing on our screens but with new packaging. It’s the same numb feeling you get watching Dane Cook gesticulating his way into a caricature of himself.

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Saturday, January 20, 2007
Science Monkey: Ice, Ice, Baby
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

With all of these reports of global warming, you’d think people would stop complaining about how cold it is, but alas, winter has finally arrived for a large portion of the United States, and a bulk of the Midwest is hurting badly. As though in some sort of slight directed at the President himself, Mother Nature in all of her wonder even smacked around Texas last week.

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Friday, January 5, 2007
Science Monkey: The Wildly Gay Kingdom?
by Finnius Fapperton Science Monkey

A new exhibition in Oslo is stirring controversy for its portrayal of various animals being homosexual. As odd as this sounds, apparently there are a lot of animals that are gay. It is behavior found in mammals and birds worldwide, and the question is: is this normal? Coming from a scientific standpoint, no. Normal means that a majority of animals would have to be “batting for the Yankees,” when in fact, the true percentages hover somewhere around 10%, which is just a little more than human percentages. And frankly, when it comes to humans, you are a little prone to lying, so we’ll assume 10% is relatively universal.

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Death Monkey: The First Trifecta of Death
by Xavier Portus Death Monkey

I’ll be honest. The last few days have worn me out. What with the death of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, and the death of Gerald Ford, the under-elected wonder, my killing finger is, well, killing me. I know what you’re thinking, “What’s a Death Monkey doing killing humans?” Well, whenever Death comes down with a cold, or a mean case of Skeletal Gonorrhea, guess who has to step in? That’s right, the Death species that’s 99.9% identical. If I’m sick, they call in Death Dog, and trust me, you don’t want that, he just sniffs your crotch to death.

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup VI
by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Welcome, my lovely little gossip-bots! I’m back and writing as I cruise down the French Riviera, drinking with impossibly beautiful men and women. Living an actual life makes me almost completely forget about celebrities and their useless problems, but I could never leave my readers out in the cold like that.

On to the celebrities!

Doing her best celebrity impersonation of a marginally talented starlet trading in on her good looks, Miss USA Tara Conner will be checking into rehab. Her under-aged drinking, positive drug test, and public displays of affection with Miss Teen USA have her on course to compete with even the most seasoned celebrity bitchlets. Instead of stripping her title, Donald Trump, whose organization owns the Miss Universe pageant, decided to give the beauty queen a second chance. I’m all about second chances. It just means more opportunities for me to write about your sad, sad future, Tara. So go ahead and whore it up!

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