THE VAULT

Sugar Daddy
May 8, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Michelin Kid

Children of America, your hero has returned. That’s right, kids. Bill Clinton is here to save your bulbous bodies from reaching critical mass and exploding into a meaty mess.

Rising from the wreckage of a quadruple bypass surgery, Clinton came back largely unchanged, except for two things:

  • He no longer had chest pains after eating his first Big Mac meal of the day.
  • He developed a burning passion to fight young America’s obesity.

Young America is a little too busy watching American Idol and downloading massive amounts of violent pornography to fight obesity on its own. Luckily, everyone’s favorite former Arkansas Governor is here to lend a beefy hand.

You may be asking yourself how the former Rhodes Scholar could help America’s beefiest bastards get back on the right foot or left foot or any other foot? By removing sugar filled sodas from public schools.

TV. Is there anything you can't do?

Clinton was able to negotiate a plan with Coca-Cola Co and Pepsi Co to remove all of their most unhealthy items out of schools and replace them with low-sugar juices, water and low-fat milk. It will take until 2010 for both of these major corporations to not ship soda to schools across the country. Using their patented High School Student Excuse Engine technology the soda companies were able to justify not doing something they could easily do and delaying it for an entire four years. Many Slantmouth staffers are looking to use this technology to post the weekly Monday article on Wednesday or Thursday.

The health of our nations children is imperative. Once a child becomes obese they tend to stay obese for the rest of their sad, sad lives. This is why Clinton should do to the soda company executives what Slantmouth does to excuse-making staffers; break their kneecaps. It seems like a simple solution, but things seem to move so much faster after a tire iron to the legs. Even a vague threat seems to increase productivity.

The Machines are Against Us.

When John Bluffington, a high school junior, was asked what he thought of the plan to take sodas out of schools he said, “That sucks, big time. How do they expect us to stay awake in class and have the energy to hit on skanky girls during gym class without our caffeine fix? I thought Clinton understood. I thought he was one of us. I thought he understood the importance of hitting on skanky girls.”

The logical question to ask is why? Why start combating childhood obesity by removing fancy sugar water from schools? The reason lies in most kid’s complete lack of self-control. Besides not being able to stop themselves from watching television, looking at pornographic websites, gawking at car wrecks, and hitting on skanky girls, most kids cannot stop drinking carbonated liquid sugar death, regardless of the consequences.

This complete inability to control even the most basic of impulses is something that Bill Clinton has dealt with his entire life. He has fought a life-long battle of the bulge, as well as an epic battle with his eating habits. The consequences of his actions did not occur to him and, just like many high school students, the problems that did catch up with him he was able to smooth talk his way out of. Unfortunately, he could not smooth talk his way out of clogged arteries, no matter how may times he called them “sweet cheeks”.

His heart surgery allowed him to get some perspective. When he emerged from the hospital he realized that most people lacked self-control. Teaching kids to be in control of themselves and refrain from self-destructive behavior is impossible. The only solution is to take the sugar from the kids and lock them in a giant inescapable building with other junkies, completely deprived from their next fix.

The next target in Clinton’s crosshairs is junk food vending machines and that hot secretary at Nabisco. She’s at least a 6.37 on a ten-point scale.

I must consume all that I purvey.

For all of you who are afraid of the upcoming changes, here’s a little tip from us at Slantmouth to every overweight and morbidly obese kid across the country: enjoy life while you still can. In a few years Bill Clinton will take what little motivation you had to continue your pathetic existence. No more bingeing on brownies and ranch dressing before you’re parents ship you off to fat camp. No more drunken cookie jar raids. It’s all over. Get over your addiction while it is still your choice. Do it now before Clinton comes after you and he offers your mom a cigar. Trust us. You won’t like that one bit.

~Julius Serpentine