THE VAULT

Prunes and Predjudice
November 7, 2007 by The Colonel

Nothing says romance like champagne and the aroma of Icy Hot.

Love is a funny little thing. As long as time has told, people have done crazy things for love. Written songs, gotten tattoos, chopped off ears, even brutally murdered with a pick-ax, all in the name of love. Ah, love, such a thing of wonder. Now, for the first time I can certainly account for, someone has actually sued for it. Well, not so much for love, but for a lack of the hot, messy kind. You may know it as sex.

According to the Daily Mail UK, Germany’s oldest playboy, 77-year-old Rolf Eden (seriously, Rolf Eden?), is suing a 19-year-old girlfriend named Katharina (apparently not the horrified woman pictured above), for age discrimination for neglecting to rock his geriatric world with her almost-underage naughty bits. Judging by Mr. Eden’s account of the events, the staff here at Slantmouth is a little puzzled about how the young lady was obliged to bump uglies with the diaper-wearing Don Juan, or even how he considered her his “girlfriend.”

According to Eden, in an interview granted to Slantmouth last week, he picked up the girl using one of his classic lines, “Listen, you’re so pretty but we both have the same problem: I don’t have your phone number and you don’t have mine.” With moves that smooth, it’s a wonder he didn’t get every foxy lady in a 5-mile radius pregnant. It’s just a good thing Eden didn’t use any of his other, patented lines, such as:

“Did you just fall from heaven, or am I having a bout of the old-timers again?”

“How would you like to help me change my colostomy bag, baby?”

Or

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is your vagina.”

What a classy guy.

Next, he claims, they ordered champagne, and “naturally, we moved to my place. I put on a smoking jacket, popped a couple of Viagra, and drank some egg yolks for energy… you know, for what would inevitably happen next,” he continued, “a man needs his protein.”

“I played piano for her; she drank more champagne, all sexy-like.” He claims to have totally been “in the zone” commenting, “I swear, she was giving me bedroom eyes, so I made my move.” Unfortunately, his trademarked “Dentures into champagne glass, yawn, arm around the shoulder, move in for the kiss” move (known in Germany as the Eden Entendre) met only a cold shoulder that fateful night. She said, “Please don’t be mad, but you’re too old for me.”

“She shot me down. She was the Allied Forces that night, I was the Red Baron.”

Clearly still shaken and bitter when he talked to Slantmouth, Eden said, “I totally would’ve let her into my garden. I could’ve given her all that Eden has to offer: all 2 or 3 minutes that I have to offer,” he wept, “How can she not be turned on by the thought of someone old enough to be her great-grandpa writhing around on top of her, like a leathery bean-bag chair for several minutes of hot, dry ecstasy?”

It was as this point our interviewer decided to wrap things up and head for the bathroom to vomit for several hours, crying the entire time.

Slantmouth wishes this eccentric pervert well in all of his future endeavors, even though we know that his future most likely includes decreased sphincter function. Still, how can a man beat bedding 3,000 women in a lifetime or owning a disco where a trained horse stripped bikinis from female pole dancers with its teeth? The disco was called “Big Eden,” unfortunately, the only thing big about Mr. Eden these days is his abnormally swollen prostate.

Of course, Mr. Eden wants to go out with a bang, which is why he has $375,000 waiting at his lawyer’s office for the lucky lady who’d like to wake up next to his rotting corpse the night that he dies. There have been no takers, thus far, but we’re sure we could find an intern who is up to the challenge. Now to find a convincing wig

~The Colonel