THE VAULT

Invasive Maneuver
July 23, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Action- thy name is Dick

Over the weekend, while President Bush prepared for a little inner reflection via colonoscopy, the Presidential powers were transferred to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yes, for a few short hours Cheney was the man in charge, and despite what some may say about the doctors having to remove Cheney’s Machiavellian, Jim Henson hand from the President before inserting the colonoscopy camera, it was only the second time he has held the powers of the President.

The first time was five years ago, when the same procedure was being conducted on Bush. At that time, the few hours in which Cheney held power were uneventful, besides the overtly phallic camera being inside the President. Apparently, it was just as uneventful this time, with Cheney never having to actually use any of his temporary powers. Certainly, those were the reported facts, but Slantmouth knows the truth.

For 24 minutes, with Bush under anesthesia, the very fate of the country hung in the balance. Fortunately for us, and the rest of the free-world, Cheney was on the job doing what he does best; breaking stuff. In this case, it was breaking the face of evil.

We provide you, our dear readers, with a painstakingly researched transcript of the events during those 24 minutes.

00:00:00
Cheney, sitting at home, catches up on some summer reading, thumbing his way through the latest issue of Maxim. An article entitled “Lesbians are Hot! Am I Right?” catches his attention. This Pulitzer Prize level editorial is accompanied by several glossy pictures to highlight the writer’s point.

00:05:05
In little over five seconds Cheney is bored with the article. Too many words, not enough pictures. It reminds him of reading an intelligence report, which Cheney does more than enough during the week. He throws the magazine on the floor in disgust.

00:30:05
Cheney feels the urge to urinate.

Many things can happen in 24 minutes. One of those things is peeing.

02:01:04
Cheney washes his hands after a visit to the little boys room. From the adjoining room his secure line rings. He walks over, after drying his hands, and picks up the phone.

Cheney: “Hello?”

Mysterious Voice (Middle Eastern Accent): “Hello, Vice President Cheney.”

Cheney: “Alright, George. Enough with the fake accent. This is the fifth time this week. You really think you’re going to fool me this time? Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be getting the probe right now?”

Mysterious Voice: “What? No. There is no George here. I don’t even know anyone named George.”

Cheney: “Riiiiight. Well, I’m convinced. What’s on your mind, President Retard?”

Mysterious Voice: “Enough! How dare you call me names, such hurtful, hurtful names! You have no idea that we have the upper hand here.”

“We have your beloved President Bush!”

Cheney: “What!?”

Mysterious Voice: “My, how your tone has changed, Mr. Vice President.”

“Yes, we have your President and, unless you do as we say, we will do horrible things to him. I don’t know how we’re going to top what those doctors were doing, with the tube-thing in his no-no area, but it will be terrible. Believe!”

Cheney: “Now wait a damn second! You listen here, towel-head! You touch a hair on that prince’s beautiful crown and I swear I will track you down and eat your guts for breakfast!”

“As long as they’re low in cholesterol. I’ve got a heart thing.”

Mysterious Voice: “Oh, we know all about your ‘heart thing’, dill-weed. We know all about you. How do you think we got this number? Or the location of the President’s… whatever this is supposed to be? Sexy enema, I guess?”

“Well, let me tell you how: We are super smart! You don’t even know!”

Cheney: “I’m going to enjoy breaking your face… with your face, hombre.”

Cheney angrily hangs up the phone.

07:47:03
Cheney, suited up and ready for action, is taken from his home via helicopter. The phone call was traced back to the location of President Bush’s procedure. On the way there he is briefed on the situation.

Agent: “Mr. Cheney, the truth is we really don’t know what the hell is going on. We haven’t told the public what’s going on either. We don’t want to freak everyone out about something we have no facts on. I mean, seriously, why would we want to do that?”

Agent 2: “We figure we should send in some guys. You know, guys with some cool looking guns and stuff; have them clear out the area. We’re fighting terrorists, so collateral damage is completely acceptable.”

Cheney: “No! No one is going in there except me. We can’t risk the President getting hurt. I don’t want to be the one out there on the podium explaining all the things that we’ve done wrong. The country need its President!”

12:05:03
The helicopter lands on the roof of the building. Cheney hops off and makes his way towards the access door. As he reaches it, he turns towards the helicopter and nods.

Cheney: “Everything is going to be alright, boys! I’m all over this, like blood on a newborn!”

Cheney pulls out his gun, kicks down the door, and heads into the corridor.

15:23:34
After several minutes of diligent searching, Cheney finds the room the phone call originated from. He kicks in the door and inside finds two doctors standing over the President, who is unconscious and dressed in a hospital gown. They look to be in the middle of the colonoscopy.

One of the doctors turns around, looks at Cheney, and pulls down his mask.

Doctor (Middle Eastern Accent): “We’re in the middle of a procedure, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Cheney: “Yeah, sure Doctor. No probl– wait a second! You’re an Iraqi doctor!”

The doctor pulls out an automatic weapon from under his scrubs and points it at Cheney. The Vice President retreats into the hallway.

Cheney: “First the London thing and now this! Haven’t you sons of bitches heard of the Hippocratic Oath!”

The doctor starts shooting blindly from inside the room into the hallway. A steady spray keeps the Vice President pinned down. When the shooter stops to reload, Cheney runs into the room.

Cheney: “It’s Cheney Time!”

19:56:38
Cheney shoots the armed doctor in the chest, knocking him to the ground and sending his gun spinning into the corner. The second doctor karate chops Cheney’s gun out of his hand and lunges at him. They wrestle for a few moments, then the doctor slams Cheney against the wall.

Cheney: “You’re going to pay for that, and so will everyone else in your country, bitch-sticks!”

21:01:12
With both of their arms entwined with one another, Cheney knees the terrorist doctor in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. The doctor staggers backwards, desperately attempting to breathe. This gives Cheney an opening and he delivers a right-cross to the jaw.

As the doctor struggles to stand back up, Cheney grabs the end of the long snake-like camera sticking out of the President and yanks it out. The President lets out a weak moan on extraction.

Cheney: “It’s over, you camel-jockey, jerk-off!”

The Vice President wraps the tube around the neck of the doctor and pulls hard. Unable to breathe, the doctor grabs the tube and tries to pull it away from his neck, unsuccessfully.

Doctor: “It’s… covered… in… shi–”

The doctor’s face turns blue and his efforts to free himself become more frantic. Cheney gives the tubing a final tug and the limbs of his enemy go lifeless.

23:35:03
Cheney lets go of the tube and walks over to the President, who lays undisturbed, and speaks into a radio pinned to his chest.

Cheney: “Mother Hen is secure. I repeat, Mother Hen is secure.”

Cheney turns the President over to get a better look at him.

Cheney: “Well, Mr. President, looks like you’ll live to fight another day.”

President Bush stirs from his state of unconsciousness, drool still running down his cheek.

Bush: “Is that you, Dick?”

Cheney: “Yeah, Mr. President. It’s me.”

Bush: “Dick, my butt hurts.”

Cheney: “I know, President Retard. I know.”

24:00:00

It’s no small wonder that we have such an amazing Vice President. If it were anyone else, they would have surely failed. Just imagine a Joseph Lieberman or a John Edwards doing anything remotely similar. Go ahead. Imagine. That feeling you now have? That is your mind collapsing in on itself.

The best news from all of this is that President Bush, once the colonoscopy was complete, had five polyps removed. They appear to be harmless, but bring a spotlight to the very important topic of colon cancer, one of the largest causes of death in America. Colon cancer, like Dick Cheney, is something to watch out for. Be careful. You would not want either of them to kick your ass.

~Julius Serpentine