THE VAULT

LEAVE AMATEUR SATIRE WRITERS ALOOOHOHOOONE!

The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.

Reports indicate that the satirist was largely inspired by the Onion to start his own website. In fact, some would say he was obsessed with it, including his mother, who said, “He was obsessed with it.” His writing, deeply influenced by the Onion’s style and humor, was done in hopes of eventually writing for the Onion. However, after several years of producing pale imitations that bordered on offensively terrible, he was unable to gain an audience, let alone get a fantastic job writing headlines for the object of his unclean affection. As a result, the writer had been experiencing bouts of deep depression in recent years. What was once a man’s dream, turned into his unfunny nightmare. A bloody, masturbatory nightmare.

Few thought that the amateur satirist’s obsession would turn deadly, mostly because he had so few friends. A former roommate, however, was not surprised by the news. The roommate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said, “One time, I heard some hooting and grunting coming from his room. I thought maybe something had happened to him or maybe he was sacrificing an animal to the Dark Lord Satan in there. So I opened his door to check what the deal was. I saw him sitting in his computer chair, naked, with the Onion open in his web browser. His eyes never left the screen and he kept saying stuff like, ‘That’s how I like my news satire, baby! Oh, yeah! Just like that!’ I just backed out of the room and tried to block the whole thing out, but I’m pretty sure I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder now. Every time I see the Onion or an onion I cry like a bitch.”

The sordid saga may have ended because of the last piece of news satire that the amateur satirist posted on his site. The political piece, entitled “Bush Gets Trim, Gives Amnesty to Illegal Mexican That Did It”, was not well received. A commenter on the piece bluntly stated, with surprisingly good grammar, “This is terrible, like everything you’ve done. Give up on writing, possibly by ending your life.” Was this the straw that finally broke the satirists feeble and hunched back? We may never know for sure.

The writer behind a rival less-than-popular news satire site reflected, “On the bright side, at least there’s one less Onion imitator out there, which can only be a good thing. It increases the chance of the Onion figuring out how brilliant I am. I’m just talking statistically.”

The date of the funeral has been kept private as, frankly, the family is extremely embarrassed. The autopsy results have not been released but are expected to state the cause of death as a lethal dose of jerking it.

~Julius Serpentine