THE VAULT

A Very Special Message
September 10, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Slantmouth faithful, you may have noticed the lack of new content in the last few weeks. There is a very good reason for this: we’re taking a break. However, don’t think for a second that this is a vacation for us. It’s more of a working vacation. We will be taking this time to redesign and retool Slantmouth into something new and, we think, wonderful. A purer place for our terrifying insights into the human condition, or dick jokes.

If you’ve been following the news, which presumably you have, it would be hard not to notice that the word “change” is being thrown around a lot lately. Maybe it’s being used as a catchphrase or maybe it’s legitimate. Who knows when it comes to the insane nonsense that is the political process? The only thing we (meaning the eager multitudes slaving away at Slantmouth for subhuman wages) know for sure is that when we say change we mean it. We don’t throw around words casually around here, mostly because we actually care.

So, yes, we will be trimming the fat. If we want to bring you some interesting content, we shouldn’t have to frame it with thinly veiled commentary about the latest [Republican] Congressman having sex with a nubile, brown servant boy. We’re not saying that it will never happen, but we’re saying that we shouldn’t have to do that if we don’t want to.

If you have a deep seeded desire to hear more jokes about how old John McCain is and how he will either die or crap his pants at any moment, sliding the goods right into his uncomfortably tight diaper, than I’m sure you can find plenty of places on the Internet for it. You don’t need us for that, though you can go ahead and imagine that we would do it better. We need to change into something different, not so we can gain your approval, but because we’re bored with this and there is no other option. It’s change or die for us. We won’t die, so change is what you’re going to get.

Some of you lovely readers may not like what comes next in the Slantmouth saga, but we doubt it. If you do end up hating what’s on the other side of the page, it means you probably never really understood what this site was about to begin with. We hope you enjoyed your stay, but it seems we’ve grown apart.

To the rest of our loyal, lovely readers, you will like the new Slantmouth. No more filters through the briny gunk of your local newscast. No more mandatory articles about this moments most important story. We will be what we were always meant to be: creatively inclined jerks. Aren’t you so proud?

~Julius Serpentine