THE VAULT

Everyone is Yelling! (Clinton vs. Obama II)
March 16, 2008 by The Colonel

The Presidential elections are heating up with a heat so hot, you may call it picante! Obama continues to gain strength, Hillary continues to whine, and everyone continues to cringe as the Democratic party, once again implodes. Now, Slantmouth proudly presents: Everyone is Yelling! Clinton vs. Obama Round Two!

OBAMA! John McCain would WHOOP YO’ ASS! I support that EMEFFER!

Whatever, Granny McCriesalot. I’m a 7th Level Obamage, invulnerable to your attacks.

I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW!

THIS GREAT NATION REALIZES THAT YOU ARE MENOPAUSAL! YES WE CAN!

I’M NOT MENOPAUSAL! I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT THE ISSUES! AND ESTROGEN!

ISSUES!? YOU VOTED FOR THE IRAQ WAR! TWICE! MAYBE?

MAYBE!? FLIP-FLOPPING DESERTER! WHERE WERE YOU IN ‘NAM!?

I WAS SEVEN!

NO EXCUSE!

THAT’S UNAMERICAN!

YOUR FACE IS UNAMERICAN!

THIS RACE IS NOT ABOUT RACE!

YOUR GENDER IS AN OFFENSE TO MY RACE IN THIS RACE! OR SOMETHING.

YOUR LOGIC TRAIN CLEARLY LET YOU OFF AT THE LAST STOP, HILLARY! STOP BEING A DIVISIVE SLASH AND BURN POLITICIAN!

BUT… BUT…. WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

CRYING WILL GET US NOWHERE, OBAMANIACS! HOPE! AND WORDS! AND BREAKING IT OUT FUNKY WITH A FUNKY GROOVE TO A FUNKY BEAT WILL!

I WOULD CHALLENGE YOU TO A GAME OF DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION BUT MY CANKLES WOULD JUST GET IN THE WAY!

I WILL OWN YOU AT DDR, I WILL OWN YOU AT GUITAR HERO, I WILL OWN YOU AT THE ROCK BAND, I WILL OWN YOU IN THE STREETS, IN THE VALLEYS, IN THE GHETTOS, IN THE METROS, I WILL OWN YOU WHEREVER YOU LIVE, HILLARY CLINTON!

YOU KNOW, IT’S ONE THING TO GIVE A SPEECH! IT’S ANOTHER TO ACTUALLY ACT AND NOT PROMISE FALSE HOPE! YOU DON’T HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO BEAT ME, EXCEPT IN BEING HIP! WHICH DOESN’T WIN ELECTIONS.

HIPPLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, IN THE EYES OF THE YOUTHS! COWER BEFORE MY GREATNESS, HILL/BILL COWER!!

THIS IS MADNESS!

THIS IS WAAASHINGTON!

Obama then proceeded to kick Hillary into a vast, deep pit. Fortunately, we were so busy kicking interns into it last week, she just sort of bounced around on corpses for a bit. Slantmouth will make sure to clear the pit before next time.

View Parts One and Three of this groin-grabbingly exciting match!

~The Colonel