THE VAULT

The Great Debaters: Death Slap
January 27, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

America! Death Slap! Match Made In Heaven!

With presidential nominations up for bid, candidates are willing to take whatever competitive advantage they can get. While getting injected in the rear with horse steroids would not be give quite the advantage needed, apparently celebrity endorsements are just what the kind of doctor operating out of an unmarked white van would order. The main endorsements have come from Hollywood action stars so far past their sell-by dates that it’s like watching sentient mold recommend the next President of the United States. It is a bit unnerving and simultaneously silly. It is exactly like watching the movie Swamp Thing, if it was about the Reagan election campaign.

Between filming Total Gym commercials, Chuck Norris has been campaigning for Mike Huckabee. Meanwhile, John McCain recently has touted the endorsement of Sylvester Stallone. Why should anyone care? What does this have to do with the issues? It felt like the kind of question only Slantmouth could really get to the bottom of. Using our tremendous clout with old people, a lot of which can be attributed to our firm stance that the lives of old people are almost as valuable as normal people, we were able to have a debate featuring Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone, two unmistakably old people. We wanted to know where they really stood on the issues.

Slantmouth: Mr. Norris, you said that you thought John McCain was too old to be President, implying he would probably be dead before his first term was complete. How do you feel about that now?

Chuck Norris: Well, I pretty much feel exactly the same. He’s old. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s pretty much common knowledge that old people do die. Mostly that’s all they’re good for.

Sylvester Stallone: Hey, hey. That ain’t even true. Not in the case of McCain. He’s like an action hero right out of a movie. You ever seen a movie where the hero actually dies, unless it’s crap like The Crow? John McCain will be fine, since I’m not expecting him to start dressing in black and wearing white makeup any time soon.

Chuck Norris: Actually, he’ll be doing exactly that when he dies of old age in a few days or months or seconds. It’s hard to tell with these old people. They’re always dying when you need them most, like pretty much any time.

Slantmouth: Do you think there should be upper age limits on being President, much like limits that have been discussed for drivers licenses?

Chuck Norris: I think I would support something like that. The elderly are dangerous behind the wheel of a car. I don’t think I want them steering the entire country.

Sylvester Stallone: Where’d you even come up with this junk, Chuck? While you were eating the Early Bird Senior Special at Denny’s?

Chuck Norris: Are you implying I’m old?

Sylvester Stallone: Implying? Come on, Chuck. You collect Social Security checks. I ain’t implying nothing. You are old. It’s a fact.

Chuck Norris: So, yeah. I’m 67. It’s true. I won’t run from the facts.

Sylvester Stallone: You couldn’t run from the facts or anything else if you wanted to. You’re a Senior Citizen. You’re practically from the same generation as John McCain. Also, your beard is crap and smells like mothballs dipped in Bengay.

Slantmouth: Alright, gentlemen. Let’s all pretend we’re adults here. No personal shots. Back on topic, do either of you think there should be upper age limits on being an action movie star?

Chuck Norris: Well, let me tell you, I think that once you reach a certain age it’s best to just go away, ride off into the sunset. Why embarrass yourself? Once Walker Texas Ranger was canceled and no one would hire me, I knew it was the right time to retire from Hollywood and just exclusively make infomercials. I thought it was all pretty graceful.

Sylvester Stallone: That’s nuts, man. Nuts. I don’t want no age limit. I think you make movies as long as you can afford the Botox and Human Growth Hormone. I don’t want to live in a country where they limit my right to be old and still be a badass on film. I mean, look; it’s not like I’m trying to have more kids, so I might as well go for it. If my testicles shrink to the size of Chiclets what does it matter? If you think a man can’t be 61 and still be a badass action star check out the new Rambo movie, in theaters now.

Slantmouth: Let’s keep it to the issues, gentlemen. Leave the desperate self-promotion for Leno.

Sylvester Stallone: I really think the new Rambo movie is about the issues. It’s a Rambo for modern times. Basically, it’s about a white man in a far away land, helping the tiny indigenous brown natives fight for freedom because they can’t do it for themselves. How is that not completely relevant to the issues?

Chuck Norris: Maybe it was relevant a year ago, but no one gives a damn about that now, Stallone. So, just give it up. It’s all about the economy.

Sylvester Stallone: Rambo is always relevant. Always. Relevant. Don’t you forget it, Norris.

Chuck Norris: Give me a break, Stallone. You and McCain are both using crap that happened decades ago to seem like you’re really great now.

Sylvester Stallone: You and Huckabee wish you’d ever done anything that was great. The best thing you ever did was get beat down by Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon.

Slantmouth: Why don’t you guys just go ahead and settle this with a contest of geriatric might? We ran out of questions to ask ten minutes ago.

[As the death match was about to begin to, in our minds, settle the Republican nomination, Norris and Stallone both injured their backs attempting to remove their shirts. As they writhed on the floor in pain, they both prayed a lot to Jesus. Despite published reports to the contrary, we did not point and laugh.]

As aging stars throw their hats into the ring to support candidates, it seems like they are vying for their own piece of cultural relevance. By hitching their cart to the unstoppable machine of a political campaign they can’t help but be relevant for at least a little while. At Slantmouth we can’t wait for Steven Seagal to jump on the Mitt Romney gravy train and for Bruce Willis to get on the Ron Paul bandwagon. Who else are we going to point and laugh at?

~Julius Serpentine