THE VAULT

Tale of the Tape
April 16, 2007 by Julius Serpentine

Man. Busy year.

There is something in the air. A scent of some kind. Oh, yes. That is the sweet, scandalous smell of a sex tape.

Honestly, it is not sweet. In fact, it makes a man’s very flesh crawl. You see, this is not your garden variety sex tape circling the media rounds. There are no marginally talented Hollywood socialites or urine soaked teenagers to amuse jaded internet pornographers. No. This tape is serious.

The video in question is of a suburban Chicago elementary school principal, Leroy Coleman, and a science teacher, Janet Lofton, locked in lustful combat. Rather than having the common decency to find a seedy motel, complete with semen-stained mattresses, or seeking out the comfort of a Buick LeSabre’s backseat, the two educators sensually worked out their frustration in the principal’s office. Apparently, someone had been a very bad girl.

Several encounters were caught on tape over the course of last December and January, but the tape has only now surfaced. A hidden camera had been placed in the office and the footage was compiled into a DVD. Several copies found their way to the mailboxes of student’s parents and the local media, just days before school board elections. The two-hour video also guest stars Anjayla Reed, a teacher’s aide. Leroy Coleman had multiple separate encounters with both women over the course of the footage. While in most cases this would qualify Mr. Coleman to become a certified pimp, this is not one of them.

All three have resigned, giving reasons that do not include being caught having triple-x fun time in an elementary school. Investigators are still determining if the illicit behavior occurred during school hours. As many parents know, there is nothing more exciting than having hundreds of screaming children just a door away while exercising your carnal desires.

While this is all very exciting, the most intriguing fact of all is the one that has so far remained a mystery: Who planted the camera?

We here at Slantmouth really want to know. Frankly, we could use the services of such a crafty individual.

You see, Slantmouth has many enemies, and not just filthy communists or filthier hippies. Our adversaries are all over the globe and they wish for our downfall. The best plan of action against any such opponent is to brutally attack them before they attack you. Our preferred method in the past was a blunt object to the face, but in these times more subtle methods prevail, like taking pictures of a white politician with their illegitimate black child.

Who better to have on our side than someone diabolical enough to plant a hidden camera and capture inappropriate sex just to influence a local school board election? The very idea that the person knew about this egregious behavior and, instead of immediately reporting it to the proper authorities, decided to hold on to the information until it would be the most beneficial to their own cause is inspirational. Some of the Slantmouth interns could truly learn a few things.

Terrifyingly enough, this was only for a school board election. Imagine the possibilities if these tactics were used for something actually important, like presidential elections or Slantmouth’s annual “Ruin a Crooked Corporate CEO’s Life” contest.

We have no idea if we will ever be able to track down the individual responsible, but we can only hope. Perhaps our previous plans to take over the media empire of Oprah Winfrey to add to our own growing empire would be more successful with them. Just one video of Oprah accidentally sitting on one of the Mexican orphan girls that clean her mansion, suffocating the poor child in a wall of cellulite, would be more than enough for the hostile takeover of Harpo to be complete. Just like the principal and teacher having sex in the office, it happens all the time, so we may as well take advantage of it.

Rest assured, Slantmouth does not wish harm on children. We are actually quite ecstatic that this fiasco was between grown adults rather than the teenage boy/female teacher combination we are used to seeing. It is refreshing to see the sexually frustrated teacher going for someone who was old enough to actually have the option of driving her somewhere nicer than a public school. Hopefully it works out better for them than the next kid sent to the principle’s office. We trust he or she will remember to not sit on the stain.

~Julius Serpentine