THE VAULT

Superman or Superfreak?
June 26, 2006 by The Colonel

Looking down on us all.

The man, the myth, the legend. Superman has been a staple in American culture since the late 30’s, representing everything that the United States holds dear, values, courage, and of course, battling evil. However, since the beginning of his illustrious career as an extremely boring crime fighter, many questions have lingered about the “Man of Steel.” So this week, in an effort to clarify fact from fiction before the new movie this week, Slantmouth sat down with Superman to get his side of the ongoing story.

Slantmouth: So, Superman, the Man of Steel, the Tower of Power, the Kryptonian Kid, the Man of Metropolis, the…

Superman: Please stop that. Really, it demeans us both.

SM: Sorry, it’s just that, it’s you… you’re Superman.

S: Why yes, yes I am. Did you go to school for this?

SM: Moving along, how does it feel to have yet another movie coming out about you?

S: Oh, you know it feels great. Feels great. I mean, with regard to the history of Superman in the media, it’s been a bad run. All the way back, it’s just been a bunch of fatties in tights. One thing people need to realize about me, Superman, is that I’m in amazing shape. I’m Superman, for god sakes. I just really hope this kid has the bulk to fill the tights, if you know what I mean.

SM: There have been a lot of rumors regarding just what you represent, would you care to address that?

S: Seriously? You… seriously. Truth, Justice and the American Way. What the hell kind of interview is this? I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m frigging Superman, not some schmuck. If you’re going to continue with this sort of vague nonsense, this interview is over. Period.

SM: Sorry, allow me to clarify. Are you Jesus?

S: Oh, the second coming bit, yeah, yeah. First off, do I look like Jesus? Look at these pecs; seriously feel my arm, right there. Feel that? Secondly, do you think Jesus could bench press a semi? Although I suppose I did have long hair after I came back… but I wasn’t wearing sandals or a robe, so I’m still going to have to say no.

SM: Good point, and what about the Moses story?

S: Well, that’s just a coincidence. Although I have been known to part the occasional sea, if you catch my meaning.

SM: I’m afraid I don’t…

S: No, seriously, though, my dad was a bit of a weird guy. He named me Kal-El, for the love of god. What the hell kind of name is that? Sounds like a feminine hygiene product. Do you know how much crap I would’ve got for that in High School? It was hard enough being “Clark Kent.” What a douche that guy is.

SM: Speaking of Kent, why did you choose such a douche as your alter ego?

S: Watch how you talk about him, I can call him a douche, but he’s me. You just… watch yourself. Don’t you get it? It’s what I think of people, really. You’re weak, clumsy, and rather stupid. You don’t know how to please the ladies, you’re clowns. All of you. That’s why you need a towering Adonis, such as myself, to remind you of what you wish you were. To give you something to aim for as you sit in the gym, watch Oprah and run on the treadmill. You’re the mouse, I’m the cheese, baby.

SM: Right… would you care to address the tights?

S: What about them? They’re comfortable. Form fitting. If you had a body like this, you’d want to show it off, too. Plus they’re as resistant to a barrage of bullets as my immaculate abs. Let me just flex a little bit for you.

SM: That’s quite all right; you don’t find them, how to put this… a little homoerotic?

S: What? No. That’s preposterous. I don’t know where you get your facts. Oh, look, there’s Jimmy, would you like some tea?

SM: No, I’m fine.

S: Thanks, Jimmy. You’re a good kid. Could you toss in my whites when you get a chance?

SM: Moving on… what about Lois Lane?

S: I’d really prefer to keep this a professional interview. Let’s just keep it on me, Supes, ok? I don’t want to talk about that whore.

SM: Seems like we’ve struck a nerve.

S: Yeah, so maybe you have. Even the Man of Steel has a heart of flesh and blood, you know. She broke my heart. There I said it. Are you happy?

SM: Not really. Look, you’re not going to cry, are you?

S: She’s a total bitch– next question.

SM: What should we expect from Superman in the future?

S: More of the same, really, looking hot, rock hard abs, saving lives, but mostly advertising. I’m actually planning on doing more merchandising. Toothpaste, aftershave, breakfast foods, toys, a new Superman clothing line at Kmart. Superman brand workout products, we have a line of protein shakes and I’ll be releasing a workout video at the end of the year with Brooke Shields.

SM: What’s it called?

S: Shaping up with Shields and Supes. It’s going to be hot.

SM: Thanks for taking the time with us today, Superman.

S: No, no… thank you. And always remember: Superman is better than you.

SM: Thanks a lot.

As sometimes happens with celebrity, people become larger than life, and clearly, Superman is no exception. He has spent years on the top, and with his crazy alien DNA, surely, his star is not one bound for earth anytime soon. However, if we were to assess anything from our interview with Superman, it would be just this:

Superman is a total jerk.

~The Colonel