THE VAULT

Smooth Criminal
April 24, 2006 by Julius Serpentine

Smooth Pervert

This is the moment all four remaining Michael Jackson fans have been waiting for: The King of Pop will be taking a break from his busy child molestation trial schedule to work on a new album! He will be recording his latest album for the Bahrain-based label Two Seas Records.

Jacko has been in Bahrain since his most recent sex abuse ordeal. He left behind the confines of his Neverland Ranch and fled to the Gulf state. Jackson no longer considered the ranch a home after criminal investigators ravaged through his personal items and found his secret stash. Like the hidden booty of Captain Hook, Jackson kept his treasures in a giant chest. Besides the bones of the Elephant Man, the meat of Jackson’s booty consisted of pornographic material. His list of movies included “Barely Legal”, “Pimp Up, Ho’s Down”, and “Prepubescent Boys in Seductive Bear Suits, Vol. 327”. The last film sold nearly twice as much as Jackson’s last musical effort “Invincible”.

MONTOYA!

With this new album Jackson hopes to recapture some of his old glory. Speaking about his latest comeback he said, “I am incredibly excited about my new venture, and I am enjoying being back in the studio making music. I’m hoping I can get a deal with Pepsi again. I could really use the money. My hyperbaric sleeping chamber is in shambles. It only works half the time and when I’m inside it’s not really big enough for me to fit more than two kids.”

Slantmouth assumes he means his own children, of whom we are assured he loves in a platonic, fatherly sort of way. Of his three children, two were born to Debbie Rowe, Jackson’s second ex-wife. His third child was born to an unidentified woman, which led to claims that Jackson grew his third son in a vat consisting of Jacko’s hair, blood, and semen wrapped in a blanket. This would explain Jackson’s nickname for his youngest son: “Blanket”.

When asked why none of his children look anything like the current Michael Jackson, the old Michael Jackson people actually liked, or any of the seventeen versions of Michael Jackson in between, Jackson said, “My sons, Prince Michael Jackson and Prince Michael Jackson II, look just like Tito. Just look at that chin. It’s pure Tito.”

The record label that Jackson will be recording for is owned by the son of Bahrain’s King. This isn’t the first time that Jackson has dealt with royalty. Throughout his career and before he was creepy-scary, Jackson would often rub elbows with the elite. In 1993, during his first child molestation trial, which many music critics consider to still be his best, Jackson came up with the idea to be knighted by the Queen of England. He thought being knighted would take the attention off his trial. Unfortunately, his plan never came to fruition but in the end it worked out because he was knighted by the only king that counts, the Burger King. After placing a cardboard crown on his head, Jackson climbed up a tree in a Peter Pan outfit and had a Whopper and strawberry milkshake. A good time was had by all who were not present.

The Golden Child

Being in Bahrain and outside of the public eye has allowed Jackson to get back to doing the things he loves. He recently saved a 12-year-old boy from a cancer research lab, which conjures memories of his Chimpanzee Bubbles, who Jackson rescued from a cancer research facility in Texas. Bubbles actually learned how to use Jackson’s private bathroom and did small chores around the house, like dusting. Bubbles checks in as the world’s first monkey butler, a precursor to the modern incarnation that can complete complex tasks, like rubbing your feet and preparing mixed drinks. Jackson hopes to be able to teach the boy various chores as well, like reading dirty magazines and drinking “Jesus Juice”. Add one more to the list of mammals saved by the benevolence of Michael Jackson.

Slantmouth cannot wait to hear Jacko’s latest output. We all enjoy hearing freakish stories about celebrities that we can point and laugh at, but, occasionally, we want to hear a catchy pop song or two. It is our way of knowing that the economy, war, and mumps outbreaks are really just a bunch of static distracting us from the all-important reality of popular culture. So, come on Michael, save us. Some of us in the over-fourteen crowd need saving too.

~Julius Serpentine