Ready to Pop!
April 17, 2006 by The Colonel

It's a ham! Hut, hut, HIKE!

In perhaps the most disturbing story of recent times, the birth of the vile Cruise spawn is imminent. As we all know, Katie Holmes has been fertilized with the alien seed of the dreaded Level 6 Operating Thetan, Tom Cruise. According to Cruise, “She’s ready to pop.” This has leading scientists speculating upon many things regarding the birth. In Slantmouth’s, ongoing efforts to bring you signs of the end times, we shall present leading scientific theories about the creature that may be spewed forth in coming weeks, and what you can do to prepare for what may be the beginning of the end for all of mankind.

As with all scientific research, Slantmouth’s Department of Understanding, Brainology, Intellect and the Observation of Understudied Sciences (SDUBIOUS), started with solid facts.

The incubation period for a human embryo is Nine Months.

Katie Holmes has been pregnant for around Eleven Months.

Alien Cruise

How could this be? Pregnant women, especially first time mothers, have a tendency to be tardy on their births, but over a month late? This led doctors and scientists to believe that perhaps the child is not of this world. Being that TomKat’s faith is Scientology, and knowing that the average alien gestation period is 11 months, the possibility now exists that Ms. Holmes is carrying a pod baby. Scientologists believe that we are descended from the souls of dead aliens, so the idea that one of these aliens would be able to take over a celebrity’s body and impregnate a human really isn’t too large a stretch.

This explains the irregularity of her stomach, the odd behavior of her baby’s daddy (as he has been supplanted with an alien fertilizer clone) and her ability to conceive a child with Mr. Cruise, as he has been widely known to be completely impotent due to years of wearing tighty whities. Should this pregnancy come to term and the mother survive, the alien child would begin to vigorously fertilize others. It wouldn’t be long before this race of super creepy, alien/human hybrids would take over the entire world.

Thetan baby, RUN!

The second scientific theory is that the baby will be composed of the Thetans that reside in both Tom and Katie’s bodies. In the Scientology community, this would raise them to Level 8 Operating Thetans and would give them the required knowledge to find the lost Rod of Xenu. The staff contains hair, skin, and saliva samples from the master of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard. It has been said that a mere tap on the noggin from this wand will make anyone believe the truth that is Scientology.

Hubbaby will kill us all.

Finally, we come to the most widely accepted theory of them all- reincarnation. It is theorized that living inside the womb of Katie Holmes is the second coming of the Scientology Messiah, L. Ron Hubbard. As prophesied in the many, many texts of the Scientologists’ doctrine (available at your local bookseller), this incarnation of the Hub will drag Scientology out of its current state of scoffable horse-crappery and into a golden age of enlightenment.

Hubbard part deux, upon birth, will burst from the womb screaming, “I Love this Woman!” He will then proceed to electrocute everyone in the room with lightning from his eyes. L. Ron the Second, as he will be known, will rise to power at the age of three, taking over the world in a bloody coup. A new world order will emerge, and the earth will be infested with over-hyper, ultra polite, white polo shirt wearing, khaki pant sporting douche bags. Resistance shall be futile.


It is wise to stock up on canned food, batteries, and Twinkies for this one, folks. There is a distinct possibility that none of us will survive the week that this Creature of Cruise explodes from the womb, and attempts to indoctrinate the world with Scientology. If you wish to lend a hand in building our Slantmouth Official Bunker, please contact The Colonel here. Remember to keep hope alive. Good luck to you all and Godspeed.

~The Colonel